Next up is Ames of the WASPy name and the many many Ivy League degrees. Ashley claims he is one of the most unique people she has ever met, which is true because how often do you meet men with advanced degrees from several Ivy League universities who think it is a smart idea to go on The Bachelorette? Also, I don't think Ames is the one for Ashley, but I think she is just dazzled by the though of marrying a man with 14 degrees and a blue blood pedigree. She wants a life of spontaneity and adventure and she thinks Ames is the guy to do that with her. As in, he can afford to give it to her. Finally, Ashley turns to J.P. and she describes him with words like "safe" and "secure" and it seems to me that an insecure floor mop like Ashley would want to feel "safe" and "secure" in her relationships. So I'm still picking J.P. as frontrunner. The editors remind us that J.P. is developing strong feelings for Ashley and almost punched a wall in exasperation over the fact that Ashley had to date all these other guys while she was also dating him. Can someone please fax J.P. the rules of this show and then maybe a follow-up telegram reminding him what this show is and what he signed up for? Thanks. Ashley packs her bags, takes off her summer scarf, dons a spaghetti strap tank top, flowery skirt, and stilettos, and hails a cab. She is ready to meet her boyfriends' families. Yes, in that outfit.
First on the triptik is a pitstop in Constantine's hometown of Cumming, GA. Excuse me for a second as my inner 12-year old boy takes over: Heh. Cumming. Now back to your regularly scheduled recap. Ashley runs across a field all slow motion douche commercial style as Constantine awaits with open arms. He voiceovers that he is developing "feelings" for Ashley and that their date in Taiwan ended perfectly. He's been around the world and only now is he really ready to open himself up to the possibility of falling in love. He and Ashley are both "here for a reason" and is there any doubt that those are the "right reasons"? Ashley then gets her big shot at voicing her thoughts and once again falls back on: Constantine is so physically attractive she just wants to die every time she sees him because she is a tiny little girly girl and he is verging on cro-magnon and dresses like Richard Simmons. She can't wait to meet the family!
Constantine rattles off the very Greek names of his family members and then takes her to the family's restaurant, which is... Italian. Constantine explains that no one really likes Greek food and everyone likes Italian, so as savvy business people, they serve Italian and then slip in a moussaka and a spanokopita here or there. The restaurant, Giorgio's, is exactly as you imagine it: Plants dotting the entrance: blond waitresses in black polyester slacks, vests with bow ties; low-hanging glass lamp fixtures; a kitchen filled with Latin American workers. Everyone comes up to hug Constantine, as if that's a normal thing to do to the boss' son, and then all gather around to say hi to Ashley. She accepts this as politeness, when it is really just starfucking at its basest. I mean, really? A low-rated bachelorette? Aim higher, people. Then Constantine gives Ashley a tour of the kitchen and they make a pizza, which is, sadly, not a euphemism for anything. Constantine steps back as Ashley "organizes" the pepperoni on the pizza and then the tomatoes on the salad. He laughs like she's being cute when it is truly a fascinating if brief glimpse into the world of a person living with OCD lite. This is why she's a dentist. And a Jazzercise instructor. It's all cute, Constantine, until she's shrieking at you for not organizing your sock drawer according to size of sock and demanding you sort the laundry by shade. Constantine and Ashley head outside to (not) eat their dishes and talk about their life goals and their relationship. Ashley looks bored, but I could be projecting. Constantine keeps referring to the restaurant as "his" but it's pretty clear it is his entire extended family's business and he's just in position to inherit and maybe make some interior decorating changes after the patriarch passes. Inside the restaurant, the whole staff is not even pretending to work and is instead spying on Ashley and Constantine as they talk. When they eventually, awkwardly, kiss everyone oooooooooohs like it's a middle school dance and not a seemingly mediocre fake Italian restaurant in a strip mall in Cumming, Georgia.