Elsewhere, Ames tries to explain to his mom that he actually has some logical reasons for liking Ashley (smart, Ivy League, dance skills) but also just thinks she's hot. Ames mom can't really argue with that. She thinks she seems nice and that's enough for Ames. Then Ashley sits down with Ames' mom who reminds us that Ames and Ashley are "intelligent, serious, adults" who just happen to be on a reality television show. They will figure things out. Ashley tells his mom (which seems like a bad choice of audience) that their relationship "has been progressing slowly," as if anyone's MOM will thinks slow is bad. True enough, Ames' mom thinks that is just super. Ashley interviews that she desperately wants to feel passionately about Ames, because of his wallet and pedigree, but isn't sure yet. Then Ames and his sister have a heart-to-heart, because apparently the producers have been stumped by such a nice normal family that they have nothing planned other than a series of heartfelt conversations. As if THAT makes compelling television. After his sister advises him to hurry up and show his romantic side if he wants a rose, they lean in for a very awkward and forced hug. WASPs don't hug. FACT.

Then Ames decides to take Ashley for a spontaneous romantic picnic under a magnolia tree. He's a fast learner, eh? Once they are settled under the flowering tree, Ashley grills Ames about boarding school, because is there anything sexier than a boarding school boy? Let me answer for the straight women and gay men of America: NO. It's hot. Like way hotter than whatever the hell those guys on Jersey Shore are doing to themselves. (And get off my lawn while you're at it!) Then Ashley and Ames talk about love and romance and Ames talks about the Italian view of love and finding romance in the every day and magic in the ordinary and love being everywhere... oh man, I think I'm in love with Ames. Well, I was, but then he had to go ruin it by kissing Ashley like I'm not even standing right here! Jerk.