Then Ames decides to take Ashley for a spontaneous romantic picnic under a magnolia tree. He's a fast learner, eh? Once they are settled under the flowering tree, Ashley grills Ames about boarding school, because is there anything sexier than a boarding school boy? Let me answer for the straight women and gay men of America: NO. It's hot. Like way hotter than whatever the hell those guys on Jersey Shore are doing to themselves. (And get off my lawn while you're at it!) Then Ashley and Ames talk about love and romance and Ames talks about the Italian view of love and finding romance in the every day and magic in the ordinary and love being everywhere... oh man, I think I'm in love with Ames. Well, I was, but then he had to go ruin it by kissing Ashley like I'm not even standing right here! Jerk.
Whose arms will Ashley run into next? Ben! Who looks a lot like Constantine except less primordial. Also, he makes wine! Squeeeee! Ashley kisses him right then and there and then interviews about how sexy he is what with his hair and clothes and wine-making. Ben is taking her on a tour of his seriously legit winery. I mean, so much wine; so many opportunities to get really sloshed, classy style. Ben's picnic plans are thwarted by bad weather, so they set up their lunch on a porch. If anyone ever claims that The Bachelorette doesn't offer their contestants a glimpse at real life situations and sets their relationships up for failure, first tell them to shut their damn pie holes and then point to this moment and say, See? See? It rained on their picnic and they had to eat on a covered porch. That is some stone cold serious business and the couple handled it with aplomb. They are SO meant to be. Except that, of course, he's not J.P. and she keeps using words like "sexy" and "WINE" and not "safe" and "secure." Ben however claims it is a big deal that he is bringing Ashley home, especially after his dad died, but he is "opening up" and "letting go."
Then Ashley decides to grill him about his dead dad and what he was like and where they buried him and basically doing whatever she can to get him to cry. She fails, because they have nothing in common. Nothing except a love of wine. Ben claims that he is super nervous to bring Ashley home, because in the past he has only brought one girl home. Now Ashley is really feeling the pressure of this completely fabricated meeting.
Ben's home is very nice, clean, lots of flowers, well-groomed sister, and impeccable mother who slightly disapproves of Ben's unkempt hair but understands that it's what the kids are doing these days. Turns out Ben's sister was the one who signed him up for the show, but this does not stop her from being super skeptical of Ashley's intentions towards her brother. She hauls him into the kitchen for some sibling straight talk. Ben claims that he is "opening up" emotionally and that his feelings towards Ashley are "natural." The sister is not convinced, but is since she signed him up for this, she is willing to abide it. Then Ben and his mom and his dead dad talk and Ben cries. Unfortunately Ashley didn't see it, so it doesn't count. Gah, Ben's family all seems so sad and raw. I mean, no matter how much wine they drink there definitely is no loud boisterous Greek family coming over to dance and toss back ouzo shots. I'm going to go cry and listen to Fleetwood Mac or something.