Season 7: The Final Rose

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The Grand Finale

Since Ames got concussed during the Thai boxing, the producers (but really the insurance companies) have made it clear that Ashley can't ask the guys to wrestle for her love, so she's doing the next best thing and importing her family to help her make up her mind. It was nice of them all to accept ABC's offer of a free vacation in Fiji to come help her pick a life partner. Ashley's family is all waiting for her on the lanai. Actually, I have no idea what a "lanai" is other than that I know Blanche Devereaux of The Golden Girls likes to entertain gentlemen there. Ashley's family doesn't look very entertained, so maybe it's not a lanai? They all want to know what's going on. She tells them all about her deep burning passion for J.P. But also her deep burning love for Ben who is fun, goofy (just like her! or so she says!) Ashley can't choose between this one guy who she really likes and this other guy she likes blah blah blah love blah blah passion blah heart blah head blah blah. Ashley's sister does NOT believe that Ashley is in love, but Ashley swears she is and her dad (step dad?) totally believes that Ashley is fool enough to be in love with one of these yutzes. Daddy knows best.

Up first through the parent gauntlet is J.P. who shows up on the island's shores looking very clean cut and bearing gifts (wine, which he undoubtedly had to pay for, because he does not have a lifetime supply of free wine like someone else on this island) and expressing his deep and abiding love for Ashley. Ashley holds his hand firmly as she introduces him to the fam and he loses all my interest by spewing the gag-inducing line, "Be gentle on me!" line, which of course cracks up the family. Ashley introduces her family: Step-father, mother, brother, trouble-making sister (what? she has tattoos of course she is a troublemaker). J.P. tries to convince the family that he loves Ashley long time and that his family loved Ashley and that his family knows that he loves Ashley. As J.P. talks, Ashley is being very distracting by dabbing herself off with a towel, like under her shirt and stuff. I mean, I know it's hot but it's Fiji, don't wear long sleeves and troweled-on make up if you don't want to be hot.

J.P. passes the first round of familial inspection, but when the family heads to the al fresco dining table things get a little more awkward. I normally would blame the seating arrangement, because due to that bit of television artifice where they seat everyone on one side of the table so the camera is not just looking at backs, no one can actually talk to each other. So it is awkward and it is not conducive to good conversation, so things were bound to be uncomfortable. However when Ashley said she was funnier than J.P. he seemed to take offense and the awkwardness went up so high that Emeril appeared out of know where just to say, "That's kickin' it up a notch!" Ugh, sorry. I'm drunk on Goldschlager. Do you think my liver is gold-flecked right now? I sure hope so although I might be assaulted by 49ers later.

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