Bachelorette
Season 7: The Final Rose

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The Grand Finale

Then they have a second fantasy suite night? Is that normal? Anyway, Ben is setting the scene with desserts and a champagne bucket next to the bed, which isn't nearly as classy as Goldschlager. Am I right? Ben explains that he is planning on telling Ashley that he loves her and he wants the amuse bouche and the throw pillows to be just perfect so that his mother won't be deeply disappointed in him when she watches the show. Ashley knocks on the door of his hotel room, just like a hooker (just sayin') and he invites her in. He tells her they have "romantic things" to discuss and he hopes they will be "well received," which makes me feel like he is going to propose a threesome with the diving instructor. Then after an incredibly long and awkward pause, Ashley can't stand it anymore and needles him into talking and after another five minutes of prattling Ben finally admits that he asked for her family's permission to marry her and oh yeah he's in love with her. She doesn't say anything. She just smiles at him and while normally that would be a cold diss, I think she is contractually obligated not to? Then they lay on the bed and "kiss" and talk about kissing each other for the rest of their lives and then Ben calls the diving instructor.

With the scent of Ben's man musk still on her, Ashley goes to meet J.P. for their date. She claims that her sister's opinion didn't change her feelings about J.P., but it did make her reassess their entire relationship. However, every good relationship has to be questioned. J.P. gives her a big kiss and tells her that he hates being apart from her. J.P. admits he's had a rough couple of days, so he and Ashley go to talk with some Fiji Brand bottled water. (If you get bored some day you should Google stories of reporters trying to write negative stories about Fiji Brand water and ending up in Fiji Brand jail in Fiji until they relinquish their notebooks.) And they have what seems to be a normal, nice, honest, talk about the state of their relationship. It was so refreshingly natural and seemingly sincere that I'm in a bit of shock. But then when I write down their words about how they don't need to explain their relationship to anyone, that they have an unspoken bond, that they just are meant to be with each other, I realize it's not normal or natural at all.

Then J.P. does the same drawn out "I looooooooooovvve yoooooooouuuu, Ashley, but I just haven't told you yet" thing and the show snaps back into its normal sense of artifice and stupidity. I guess the producers ask the man meat to hold off saying, "I love you" until the last day so they can edit that shit together into a long meaningful montage of love and puppies. Back in J.P.'s hotel room, Ashley gets comfortable on his bed and he presents her with a scrapbook that he made. It's a photo of them on the beach and an inscription that is so saccharine that is makes thousands of Hallmark writers turn diabetic. It starts, "This is the first chapter of the greatest love story ever told..." Oh god, DRIIIINKKK just to hold your shit together because who the... what now? It goes on, but I'm too busy gagging myself with a Smurf to listen. Ashley tells us that she gets "lost in J.P." and his message was so, so real. Then she walks out. What? J.P. wrote her that "lovely" verse and gets blue balls in return? What kind of thank you is that? J.P. carefully adjusts his pants as Ashley walks down the long hallway to her room so she can be well-rested before making the biggest decision of her life. Namely, what to do with her hair in this humidity?

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