When we return from the commercial break, Chris Harrison gives us a special sneak peek into the magically delicious and herpetic world of Bachelor Pad. Jake! Vienna! Rated R! Michelle Money! Pia! Blake! Lockjaw Casey! Ames! What?! Why god why? Oh Ames, did you really need to tongue kiss, money grub, and backstab idiots on television, again? After I see Ames in the same room as Vienna and Rated R, I black out for awhile and the only thing I can remember is when Lockjaw Casey promises that if Bachelor Jake shows up he will punch him in the face while saying, "That's for America! That's for my girlfriend! " So if watching queasy-making people get STDs in hot tubs for money is your thing, feel free to tune in. I, for one, would rather clean the bathroom of Grand Central station with my tongue than spend one more minute with any of those chromosome-lacking syphilitic famewhores. Except you, Ames. Call me!
You know a show is really REALLY bad, when you groan as the nice Home Depot commercial ends and Chris Harrison's well-coiffed head appears on screen. Despite my protests, Chris introduces the Bachelorette's detritus. The cast-offs, the chaffe, the men not good enough for a weeping woman with no spine and the self esteem of a lesser oceanic lifeform. While you are watching Alcide and Eric and Bill battle it out over Sookie, I am watching men not considered worthy of Ashley, try to extend their 15 minutes of fame for another one hour and twenty. God help me, there is not enough alcohol in the world to get me through this, but that does not mean I will not test that hypothesis.
So who are the gathered chuckleheads crowding the stage? It's Nick (mullet, mangina), Mickey (moralist), West (wifekiller), Chris (eh?), Lucas (Baptist?), Tim (the drunk guy), Jeff (Masked moron), Stephen (gay), Ryan M. (nope), Matt (I have never seen that man before), Blake (the other dentist), William (mean boy), Ames (Harvard heartthrob), Constantine (strip mall pizza maker), Ben C. (young Matlock), and Ryan P. (water heaters). Chris asks the "fellers" to tell him about the first night they met Ashley: Ryan P. reminds us all to recycle. Ames says he was frozen with nerves when he first met Ashley and gets a lot of sympathy cheers from the Harvard 'hores in the audience who are all looking to marry up. William tries to get an agent by making a funny about being nervous and drinking too much. Tim, the drunk guy, makes a sheepish "'Sup" to Harrison. Chris takes the opportunity to ask him if he's drunk now and if his mom is proud of him or super proud of him? Tim laughs that he doesn't remember anything from the night. Hahahaha alcoholism is hilarious. That's why everyone wants to go to frat parties. Duh. Then we get a montage of Tim's character arc from friendly guy to drunk to belligerent to passed out on the patio.