You know a show is really REALLY bad, when you groan as the nice Home Depot commercial ends and Chris Harrison's well-coiffed head appears on screen. Despite my protests, Chris introduces the Bachelorette's detritus. The cast-offs, the chaffe, the men not good enough for a weeping woman with no spine and the self esteem of a lesser oceanic lifeform. While you are watching Alcide and Eric and Bill battle it out over Sookie, I am watching men not considered worthy of Ashley, try to extend their 15 minutes of fame for another one hour and twenty. God help me, there is not enough alcohol in the world to get me through this, but that does not mean I will not test that hypothesis.
So who are the gathered chuckleheads crowding the stage? It's Nick (mullet, mangina), Mickey (moralist), West (wifekiller), Chris (eh?), Lucas (Baptist?), Tim (the drunk guy), Jeff (Masked moron), Stephen (gay), Ryan M. (nope), Matt (I have never seen that man before), Blake (the other dentist), William (mean boy), Ames (Harvard heartthrob), Constantine (strip mall pizza maker), Ben C. (young Matlock), and Ryan P. (water heaters). Chris asks the "fellers" to tell him about the first night they met Ashley: Ryan P. reminds us all to recycle. Ames says he was frozen with nerves when he first met Ashley and gets a lot of sympathy cheers from the Harvard 'hores in the audience who are all looking to marry up. William tries to get an agent by making a funny about being nervous and drinking too much. Tim, the drunk guy, makes a sheepish "'Sup" to Harrison. Chris takes the opportunity to ask him if he's drunk now and if his mom is proud of him or super proud of him? Tim laughs that he doesn't remember anything from the night. Hahahaha alcoholism is hilarious. That's why everyone wants to go to frat parties. Duh. Then we get a montage of Tim's character arc from friendly guy to drunk to belligerent to passed out on the patio.
He smiles and nods as we move along to Ryan P.'s overeagerness and how much everyone hates him. As he drifts to his happy place, Ryan P. smiles and nods and thinks about how much he loves his new compostable toilet. When Lucas calls him a "goober," he asks if it's an organic and fair-trade goober, and if so, he's okay with it. Then we get a montage of William's bipolar disorder (He's happy! He's sad! He's evil! He's sad.) Everyone really wants to talk about William's behavior toward Young Matlock on their double date. Basically, he violated the Bro Code by telling Ashley that Young Matlock had mentioned online dating while pursuing her. William pretends/deludes himself into believing that he was protecting Ashley. The verdict? Not cool dude. Then everyone jumps on Ryan P. some more, so he returns to his happy place while everyone reminds him that they thought he was annoying. Nick (the trainer with the mullet) sorta kinda comes to his defense, but really, who cares? If you do, email me and I'll give you the play-by-play all SportsCenter style. Last on Harrison's agenda is a close analysis of Jeff and the Mask. Verdict? Creepy loser. Jeff doesn't really bother disagreeing.