When we return from some more quality time in Adlandia (Land of Dairy Queen, come to meeeeee), William gets put in the Hot Seat. Via a carefully crafted montage, we get to fully explore Williams' failures as a contestant/man/human. He and Ashley had an instant connection that quickly fizzled after William decided that a roast was a great moment to pinpoint Ashley's greatest fears and mock them. As we re-watch his greatest misses and his downward spiral from frontrunner to disgraced loser, William tears up and won't watch the screen. When Ashley bids him farewell and he leaves in the limo, he talks about curling up in bed and dying. Super uplifting stuff, right? Well, you're the numnuts not watching Shark Week. The audience is silent as William's suicidal tendencies echo through the air. No one says anything for a long time until Chris gently prods him to start talking.
He explains that he can't watch the show, he's only seen the first episode. He's pathetic and sad and hard to look at. Nick tries to get him to examine his behavior by asking, "Why are we all here?" And William stone-faced replies, "Because we can't find girls to date?" Which is probably the funniest thing ever said on this show, although I think it was an accident. Harrison busts up laughing. He struggles to regain his composure and asks William what he wants to say to Ashley when she comes out later. He mumbles something about being sorry for saying she was sloppy seconds and a horse-faced boobless wonder and hoping she's happy. Harrison asks William if he's learned a life lesson, because THAT is what this show is all about: Life lessons. What you thought it was STD awareness? Amateur.
Next in the Hot Seat is: Ryan P. Harrison reminds us that Ryan P. was also a frontrunner for Ashley's affections, but his love of tankless water heaters got in the way of their future. So she dumped him, assured him that she didn't want to meet his family, and he cried in some bushes while Ashley got on with her life... and then he stalked her to Fiji where she rejected him some more. Harrison points out that Ryan P. was really emotional considering he only had half a date with Ashley. Ryan claims he felt very deeply for this girl who he spent the sum total of several hours with over the course of a week or two. It's the equivalent of deciding you're in love with someone on the same bus route, a phone sex operator, or someone you chat with in the waiting room at the DMV. Blake, for one, doesn't buy it. He spent roughly the same amount of time with Ashley and didn't go cry in a bush when she booted him. Ryan explains that he bought several books of questions to prepare for his time on The Bachelorette. With the assistance of that super riveting sounding reading material, he was able to fully maximize his limited time with Ashley. Based on her responses to his lightning-round questions, he was able to fully discern their compatibility and initiate the love sequence in his hard drive. Hence when she deviated from the set course and asked him to hard exit the show, his system overloaded ...and he cried in a shrubbery. No one is impressed with his collection of books of questions, although Harrison looks like he might start laughing again. I think we're starting to get a hint of why no one liked Ryan P. You don't make close long lasting friendships with a Commodore 64.