Bachelorette
Bachelorette

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 258 USERS: C+
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The Glory of Love

"My heart is broken," Emily tells us, because she needs to say goodbye to a guy she doesn't really love in favor of a guy she does love.

Meanwhile, Arie is strolling up to "Dinah's Botanic and Historic Garden," where he's greeted by Dinah herself! (I assume.) She tells him they make all kinds of love potions and love oils. So ... lubricants? "It's beautiful here," says Arie, kinda condescendingly, given that the place actually looks quite rundown. He tells us that tomorrow he's getting engaged, and he rambles some more about his nervousness and love or whatever, and then Emily's SUV pulls up all ominous to the point that you're thinking, "Holy shit, is this going to be an ACTUAL DRIVE-BY" and she gets out all glum and scowly and wiping away tears but being careful that her French manicure doesn't gouge her own eyes out.

And he obliviously tells her about the love-potion he made, and she plays along until she can't take it anymore and gets him to sit down so she can start bawling and sobbing about how she doesn't know what do and how she never thought she'd have to make a choice between him and anybody, not that she ever actually explains WHY things have changed. "I don't want you to think it's because of anything you did or didn't do. You really are, like, everything," she says, and then she sniffles and sobs some more. And there's only so much "I don't know what to say" Arie can take before he unceremoniously kisses her on the cheek and gets up to go.

Of course, Emily is heartbroken that he's, you know, hurt and confused by this. Doesn't he know how hard it is for her to break up with him? He tells her he doesn't think he can give her the kind of goodbye she wants, and thanks her for at least sparing him the embarrassment of tomorrow (i.e. proposing to her, only to be rejected). The SUV drives off, leaving Emily sniffling and completely unsympathetic.

Arie is confused, he feels stupid. "It's just unreal that it's over," he says. From the beginning, he tells us, it was always just him and her, and I think early episodes back him up -- he seemed miles ahead of anyone else. After a shot of Emily looking forlorn, we go back to the studio audience, which looks like they just witnessed an actual snuff film, and Harrison talks about how this clearly has deeply affected the studio audience, which is more of a comment on the mental health of the audience members than proof of how emotional this breakup actually was. Somehow we go to commercial without "Candle in the Wind" playing.

Bachelorette

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