Season 8, Episode 10

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | Grade It Now!
The Glory of Love

And Ricki is swimming in a pool and "Jef" gives her an awkward high-five, and Emily makes Ricki perform tricks for him. "Jef" says meeting his girlfriend's kid is "surreal" like THERE'S a word that has been completely destroyed by idiot reality television show contestants, and meanwhile "Jef" is STILL making awkward small talk with Ricki, And Ricki invites him into the pool, and he's really impressed with himself for hitting it off so well with Ricki, and Emily is convinced "Jef" would be "the best dad" and "the best husband".

And then they spend five hours talking about Cheetos, and "Jef" asks about the marionettes they played with, and EMILY NEVER EVEN GAVE RICKI HER MARIONETTE. "Jef" is too busy indulging the family fantasy thing to notice. "Today was a huge hurdle to jump over," he says, and he'd better hope Emily never hears him referring to Ricki as a "hurdle." She's a blessing, godddamit! And Emily is saying that today went so well that "everything" she "went through" over the last few months was worth it. Just to be clear: "everything she went through" was a series of glamorous dates in breathtaking locales around the world, on someone else's dime. Keep your chin up, Emily. You're the real hero.

And now there is an evening date, the purpose of which appears to be to reminisce about how awesome the other dates were, or something. I mean, I have gone on ACTUAL DATES that didn't last as long as the time we've spent watching "Jef" and Emily. And now they are making out, and then "Jef" gives Emily a gift, which is a book about CuraƧao because they took a big step in their relationship there, or something. That was a few weeks ago, right? I don't even remember anymore. And it turns out that "Jef" has ruined the damn book by scribbling stick figures of him and Emily in all these beautiful pictures, and Emily loves it instead of getting mad that he drew her with one massive boob instead of two massive boobs. And she jokes that it's like Where's Waldo, because let's be honest, it's not like Emily's going to draw any parallels to classic Russian literature or anything. And then Emily leaves or something, I forget.

And now we are back live with the audience o' losers, and Chris Harrison is asking an audience member named "Paisley" I SWEAR TO GOD why Emily digs "Jef" so much and this person who has never met "Jef" says he's "genuine" and then there's a mother weighing in that a man loving you for you is better than a "hot pair of jeans" or something, and then someone says she hopes Emily chooses Arie so the rest of America can have "Jef."

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