For maybe the first time ever, I wanted to spend a little more time at the cocktail party, but we're on to the rose ceremony, although first, to fill time, we get one of those sit-downs with Chris Harrison that isn't worth recapping at all, apart from "Jef" not kissing her despite two opportunities. "Maybe he's just not that into me," she says. Also, she thinks Ryan is a little manipulative. "I love how candid you are," says Harrison. I will say that I could forever do without someone deciding to go on The Bachelor/ette and then whining about having to eliminate contestants every week.
OK, now we're at the Rose Ceremony, and Chris says that what's even more incredible than Bermuda is the guys' relationship with Emily, and can I just ask what kind of drugs is Chris Harrison on that make him spout such nonsense?
Emily comes out and says she can't believe how fast time goes and feelings and harder and blah blah blah decision blah blah. She thanks them for making her feel like the most blessed girl in the whole world.
Let's get to it: Sean. Arie (he kisses her, and Ryan looks like he might throw up). Travis. Chris. Ryan. Sure! Why shouldn't you keep a guy who think is manipulative? Kalon. The last rose goes to Alejandro, meaning Charlie and long-haired Michael are going home.
Michael hugs her and thanks her. He tells us that he's sad because he's never been in love before. He gets a little teary-eyed, probably because this right here is more screentime than he's had in all the previous weeks put together.
Charlie comes forward for a brusque hug. Outside he whines that it sucks that he won't continue on this beautiful journey that he's on, and then the waterworks start up again and he can't continue.
Inside, Emily toasts the survivors, and says they're going to London. I realize Londoners have survived fires, bombings and plagues, but I'm not sure it's fair to inflict Ryan and Chris on them.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Even guys who are 25 years old should know that if they're not smarter in five years than they are today, then something's probably wrong. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at email@example.com.