Bachelorette
Season 8, Episode 4

Episode Report Card
Daniel: A | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Ego Tripping

First of all, a) I don't believe Emily goes anywhere without being completely made up and b) if you sleep in your pajamas and go out in them YOU ARE GROSS AND NEED TO BE AN ADULT.

And then because Doug didn't wilt under her withering questioning and confess to vehicular manslaughter or selling drugs to schoolchildren, he gets the rose. And then we witness some agonizing about whether he should kiss her -- he hasn't kissed someone in months and months. Oh, boo hoo -- and ultimately decides that she'll find a way to let him know if she wants to be kissed. That means the date ends without a kiss.

Group date time! They're going sailing, of course. "The water here is, like, so blue," says Emily. Arie's stoked to show another side of himself to Emily, who warns us that a couple of booze cruises does not a sailor make.

I guess there's supposed to be a race, and the winners get to impregnate Emily or spend time with her or whatever, while the losers go home. Sean's not worried, because he played Division I football, which means, obviously, that he thinks he can do anything, since nothing else is as important as that.

The two-on-one date card shows up, and it's for John and Nate. I'd already forgotten Nate's name again.

And now the other idiots have changed into yellow shirts and red shirts for their respective teams and they are racing each other and we see lots of shots of the guys adjusting their sails but nothing that really indicates who's winning at any given time, and then apparently the red team pulls ahead, which is upsetting for the yellow team. Emily, who was engaged to a race-car driver and who is on a show in which guys compete to propose to her, says she hates watching guys compete.

And now the yellow team is ahead? I guess? And now the red team is winning again? Oh, and now the yellow team is winning. The last time I saw this much excitement was this weekend when I cut my toenails.

And then the yellow team wins. Charlie, who was on the red team, tells us he felt defeat. Aw, that's only because you were defeated, Charlie. The yellow team is Ryan, Arie, "Jef" and I think Kalon? "Jef" apparently suffered some sort of injury to his hand. I hope it's not his mousse hand! Emily says it was hard for her to celebrate with the yellow team when the red team was so sad. If there's a better definition of "First World Problems" than "It was hard to celebrate the victory of one team of guys competing for my love over another group of guys while we vacation in Bermuda as part of the television show we're on" I haven't heard it.

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