Season 8, Episode 4

Episode Report Card
Daniel: A | Grade It Now!
Ego Tripping

Good lord, I think Charlie is actually CRYING in the van ride on the way back to the hotel. That's going to cost him with his friends later.

At dinner with the guys, Ryan toasts Emily, his potential future "trophy wife" and doesn't seem to understand why Emily doesn't seem super-excited by that. Arie and Emily go down the beach and snuggle in a blanket and kiss and talk about the good times they'll have when there are fewer than a dozen other guys sticking their tongues in each other's mouth.

Then it's time for "Jef" to passively aggressively joke about how he's becoming the group-date master. Emily feels "Jef" is really starting to open up to her, because he's saying things like spending time with her is "the best vibe" and then he shows her his finger boo-boo and asks her to kiss it better. Then they stare at each other awkwardly. Emily says she was hoping he would kiss her, but he didn't but that's "fun too" because she gets to keep anticipating it, or something inane.

Back at the hotel, the other guys are still yammering away about how losing "sucks" and Chris has his hoodie on, hood up, because he's stone-cold chillin', you guys.

And then Ryan HILARIOUSLY tells us that Emily, as the Bachelorette, has been given "a great responsibility" and he wants to make sure she does a lot with it. And then he tells her there's "a lot of depth" to who he is, and he sounds like someone who reads "How To Be Classy" tips in Maxim magazine, like this is straight-up the funniest thing I have ever seen on this show. Also, he has a "mature approach to relationships." He's not here to impress her, you see, but to make an impression on her. Instead of telling him that that's exactly the same thing, she says she sometimes wonder where the stuff he says comes from, and she reminds him of "I'd love you but I wouldn't love on you" comment and asks if he'd be OK with her not going to the gym but just chasing after his kids and he says he WOULD like that. I guess that sounds awful, but given how often Emily sounds like she wants nothing more than to be a baby factory, maybe it's not so dumb.

Ryan says "To whom much is given, much is required," and if he's just going to keep saying things he remembers coaches saying, I hope he gets kicked off this show REALLY soon. He says he was praying for her to "impact tons and tons of people," and he says there's going to be tons of "young ladies" watching her, which is true and SO DEPRESSING, and as deep and considerate as he's trying to sound, all he really gives a shit about is that she kissed Arie.

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