Season 8, Episode 5

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | Grade It Now!
Whalin' on Kalon

Out on the date, Sean is talking about how selective he is, and maybe it's because he says sexist bullshit like, "Good girls are hard to come by," but since Emily responds in kind and adds things like, "Guys who look like you are usually boring," and while I have to disagree with her generality, I can't exactly argue that Sean disproves the thesis. Emily thinks it does, though.

They stumble through the park, desecrating Speaker's Corner in the process as Sean stands up and rambles on about great love and how he wants it and while he's not sure love is there right now, check how hot Emily is, so fingers-crossed, am I right, London?

Because these guys are idiots, none of them was apparently able to make a connection between "Prisoners" on the date card and London's famous prison, the Tower of London, or, as an extremely hoarse Emily calls it, "London Tower."

That's where they're going for dinner. "Sean is totally my prisoner of love," she says, before adding for the hundredth time how good-looking he is. She thinks this place is cool because "King Henry" lived there -- which she later clarifies was "King Henry Eighth" as she explains to Sean about the good king's penchant for beheading.

She asks if he's going to drop a bomb about being divorced three times, because the only thing that Emily might find more shameful in Sean would be if he were not handsome.

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives: "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," it says. Alejandro is the ONLY ONE who picks up on the Shakespeare, and "the Wolf" and the others revel in the hilarity of being "macho dumbasses."

It's for Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John and Kalon. By this point, the men are sick of group dates and want one-on-one dates, which this time is going to "Jef."

Back at dinner, Emily is explaining to Sean that she wants to have a lot more kids, like YESTERDAY, because she wants Ricki to have some time to adjust but also have brothers and sisters close to her in age. Sean says he wants to have kids. To MY mind, he looks a little put-on-the-spot. I mean, what ELSE would he say? He's trying to win a game here? At any rate, he gets the rose, and they share a kiss, and maybe someone could Emily a damn lozenge. She sounds like her larynx is going to fall out.

They go outside to look at London in the night and make awkward small talk, Tower Bridge in the background while they kiss, and I hope I can make it through this episode without my own memories of last year's trip to London being tainted by seeing this awful show spread its contagion all over the place.

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