Bachelorette
Season 8, Episode 5

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Whalin' on Kalon

So the group date is in Stratford-Upon-Avon, WHATEVER THAT IS, BECAUSE I AM A "MACHO DUMBASS." As Emily greets the gang of idiots, Arie tells us he's not sure what to expect but he wants to come home with the rose, while the other guys would like to alert the Nobel people because Emily hasn't let her hoarse voice force her into curling up into the fetal position and dying. Emily, for her part, wants to reassure us that it is still possible to have fun, even when your voice doesn't sound pretty.

She tells them about the dude who was born in Stratford, and tells them they're going to be acting out scenes from Romeo and Juliet, which it MUST be pointed out, is a tragedy.

The next four hours (seemingly) are about what you'd expect: a mixture of these guys laughing and hamming it up as a defense mechanism against appearing too fruity, or whatever these guys think "literate" means. Kalon is deadly serious about it, and Alejandro, unsurprisingly because he at least knew who wrote one of Shakespeare's most famous lines. Fortunately for these fucking clowns, Emily isn't looking for someone who takes himself "seriously," or has "read" things like "plays" and "books."

As the hours stretch into days, we realize that, naturally, Kalon isn't taking this seriously as much as he takes himself seriously, to the point that he tells Emily to "run along" so they can get back to rehearsing. Emily's not impressed. How dare he! It's not like she's fat, right?

Oh, this is awful. Arie's all "Fuck my life, man," because he got a free trip to London to continue trying to nail Emily but is reduced to playing a nurse in a scene from Romeo and Juliet, while Alejandro wants to pay respect to Shakespeare because this is Shakespeare's hometown. Yay, Alejandro! He's probably gone after tonight. And Arie, who doesn't know what words like "jaunt" mean, will probably stick around to the end.

So the show rounds up some unsuspecting Brits or reasonable facsimiles to subject them to the If I Don't Try, Then I Can't Fail players. Kalon, Ryan, Alejandro and John all earned starring Romeo roles, with everyone agreeing that Kalon is trying too hard. Ryan gets to kiss Juliet in the death scene, with Travis annoyed that "that sapsucker" got two kisses, and afterwards Ryan HILARIOUSLY explains that it came off as real because it kinda was. Ryan's self-confidence, to me, has gone from agonizing to endlessly amusing.

In the end, none of the Romeos kills himself, so the Emily's going to have to make her own decisions tonight.

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