Bachelorette
Season 8, Episode 5

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Whalin' on Kalon

The group heads to the Cox's Yard for dinner, and let's hope they've worked all the gay panic out of their systems. Emily makes out with Arie for a while, and then it's Ryan's turn -- he sequesters them in an alcove with the curtains drawn and says he has a surprise for her: a little turquoise trinket on a chain that she has an orgasm over, while he explains that he wants to prove how real he's taking this, or whatever.

Kalon's feeling sorry for himself, waiting around to spend time waiting for a tired, sick Emily who's got a kid waiting for her. Chris tells Arie that Kalon referred to Ricki as baggage, and then spreads it around to the rest of the gang, who get angried up and rustle up a necktie party.

We haven't heard Kalon say it, but he's summoned before the rest of the men to explain himself, he admits it, refuses to retract it, but explains that he only means it as a huge responsibility. Everyone tells him what a shitty thing it was to say, which is true, although it's a bit rich that all the guys here play it off as a noble (although utterly sexist) crusade to protect Emily from such a fiend, and no one points out that it's clearly a good way to get rid of the competition. Kalon's comments do come off much worse than they appeared in any of the footage we saw, though.

Because Doug has a kid, I guess everyone agrees he's the best one to break the news to Emily. But because Doug ain't no snitch, he has to do the "someone here said this" routine, and Emily makes him name names.

Emily's not impressed. "I wanna go off and go crazy, because that's how much I love my daughter," she says. "I will protect my family to the day I die," which to her means that she wants to "go West Virginia backwoods hood rat on his ass." Thank you, reality television, for continuing to propagate the notion that "loving my family" is the same as "losing my shit over something an idiot said." Unless "go West Virginia backwoods hood rat" means she's going to cook up a meth lab?

So Emily and Doug come back out to the group, with Doug smarmily calling court to order, acting like this is the Nuremberg trials. Kalon stands accused of calling Ricki baggage: What say you, sir? Kalon's all, "Hey, I'm trying to reclaim the word baggage!" He explains that he just means that Ricki is a huge responsibility, and you're thinking, "Well, surely Emily would agree with that, because a child is an immense responsibility, in most cases the biggest responsibility any- oh, no, my mistake. She's a blessing, is what she is."

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