Bachelorette
Season 8, Episode 5

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Whalin' on Kalon

She returns to the pub. The trauma counselors have not yet arrived. Emily now lectures the rest of them that she's disappointed that it took her that long to tell her what happened, and despite Ryan's "we figured it was your decision" explanation (rather sensible for Ryan) and Arie's "we figured your intuition was awesome" explanation, Emily tells them she's not handing a rose tonight.

She explains to us that she wants to know that if a self-absorbed arsehole makes an offhand ill-advised comment, one of her other boyfriends should bring her his bloody severed head to show her what a good husband is like.

The next day, Emily and Ricki are reminiscing about their visit in London, with Ricki adorably saying her favorite thing is "Brickingham Palace," which is where the king and dragon live there. It's nice for Emily that at least one person is demonstrating less knowledge about London than she is, but it's not like Ricki has someone printing off Wikipedia pages for her to read on-camera.

Understandably, Emily has barely roused herself from the fainting couch after what happened last night. Finally she decides that a suicide pact for all involved probably won't do anyone any good, and she's going to let the date with "Jef" go ahead. Fortunately for "Jef," the other guys filled him in on what happened (presumably, "Jef" was sitting down when they did) and he's going to make sure Emily knows that the bad, bad man has gone far, far away and will never bother her again until After the Final Rose.

So they're at Chiswick House for a traditional English tea. The surprise is that they're joined by an etiquette teacher named Jean, which annoys "Jef," because his one-on-one date ain't gonna be getting to the sexytime with Jean hanging around blathering about nonsense rules to reinforce a class system. Although you don't have to be the Queen to know that you should say goodbye rather than just run out on poor Jean. Jean, upon her return, graciously keeps up the charade that this wasn't completely planned in advance.

The go to The Lorry and the Treacle or The Pram and the Bobby or some such pub, where they order a couple of pints and some fish and chips, and "Jef" tells Emily that he was sitting there when Kalon spouted off his shit. "Jef," presenting facts not in evidence, tells Emily that he asked Kalon if he thought he was being fair, and maybe Kalon should leave. Again: facts not in evidence. They talk a little bit more about what a loser Kalon is, and "Jef" says if Ricki's baggage, then she's a Chloe handbag that he'll have forever, and instead of cocking an eyebrow and pursuing a different line of conversation, Emily corrects him to "vintage Louis Vuitton."

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