We're in ... well, I forget already. Croatia somewhere, but the name of the place is obscured by the local channel's promo for "Local Casting Call" for The Bachelor. So take that, Croatia! I suppose I could look it up on last week's recap, but ... nah.

"It really is like being in a different world," says Emily. It's also like stepping back "into" time. Ricki's been bundled off back home to Charlotte with her babysitter, because things are going to sexy soon. When Croatia's rockin', don't come knockin'!

So then the nimrod bachelors come barreling in on a boat like outside fauna that should be restricted from entering lest it upset the balanced ecosystem, and if Emily's looking for a husband who can only describe things the way fourteen-year-old boys would, this is a fine crop right here, because everything is "awesome" and "so cool" and one of the guys is "so freakin' pumped." "Jef" says Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love. Remember every other season of The Bachelor/ette, when contestants would say things like, "This is nice, but it's no Croatia"?

Chris the Eagle hopes for a one-on-one date. "It's very important for me to remind Emily who I am," he says, unintentionally summing up exactly why this awful program isn't the romantic fairytale it makes itself out to be.

Then Emily shows up at the hotel to grace the men with her presence, and hand a date card to Travis. "Let's look for love beyond the walls," it says. Travis says it was "imperative" that he got the date a card, and of course he only uses multisyllable words when the other guys aren't around.

They're going to "old city Dubrovnik" -- Dubrovnik, that's it! They wander around, bothering some sculptor on the street. Behind them, you can see people taking pictures with their cellphones of Emily and Travis, like KILL ME if I ever visit a place with the majesty of grandeur of Dubrovnik and I take a picture of some dilettante tourists doing their best to avoid sexually transmitted diseases during a brief fame window.

There's some sort of balancing wall where if you can balance and take off a shirt you will be lucky in love? Or some shit? Travis balances on it, but Emily is miffed that he didn't take his shirt off, because she felt that was the perfect opportunity. Yeah, Travis seems like a nice guy and they're having a good time at all, but how can she tell if he'll be a good husband and father if she can't check out his abs?

While Travis whines about how he wants to "bust out of the Friend Zone," back at the hotel, the other guys are discussing Travis's rose-obtaining possibility, which is notably really only for the fact Ryan looks like he's wearing some kind of women's undergarment for an undershirt. This, while he's telling us that Emily likes a little more of a bad boy, and he's got that edge. He also talks about the "mean man" in him that comes out of him on the football field, and he misses that guy. Well, if he's not over his high school boyfriend, I'm not sure he should be competing for Emily.

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