Speaking of which! The guys file in for the ceremony, Chris pledging to do whatever he has to do, because he believes in her and him and blah-blah-blah. After Chris Harrison is done reminding them for the umpteenth time about just how real shit is getting, Emily comes out and says "y'all" a hundred times.
First two roses go to "Jef" and Arie, of course; despite the ridiculously long pause before she said "Arie," that was never in doubt.
She picks up the last rose, Chris vibrating in place. Then, after getting the signal from the producer off-screen (Emily is just standing there holding the rose, waiting for Chris's cue), he steps forward and tells Emily he really needs to talk to her. She does not at all appear surprised, but the other guys do. We're told that this development made John nervous. Fair enough.
Chris sits down with Emily to stammer out some stuff about how he was a boy on the date. I fell asleep for most of it. It's late and I'm getting old.
Anyway, after what feels like hours, they rejoin the Rose Ceremony, with John looking decidedly less than impressed.
Emily picks up the rose and makes a frowny face at it. Then she makes a frowny face at the men, and moves her mouth around, and finally says Chris. John looks gutted. Emily doesn't look particularly sure about her decision. Chris looks blissfully unaware of anyone else's feelings. "I can't tell the last time I felt this happy," he tells us.
Emily walks him out and does her best to explain how it is that he goes from impressing her with opening up a couple of times to "I just didn't get enough from you."
John leaves, telling us he didn't see it coming. "She kept wanting more, wanting more, wanting more. So I gave her more. I shared things with her that I don't share with a lot of people," he said, adding that he was expecting to bring her home.
He figures he'll find someone some day, and stays tear-free. Sadly, though, he won't be able to have any coffee. Because as we all know, coffee is for closers.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. If the Bachelorette drinking game didn't have the rule "Drink whenever Emily says 'y'all,'" he'd still be alive today. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.