Bachelorette
Season 8, Episode 9

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You Don't Have to Go Home, but You Can't Stay Here

And now it is Arie's turn. He tells us that he fell for her on their first date, and all he can think about is getting to propose to her. But first they got a whole lotta tonsil hockey to play, while they take a boat out to play with dolphins. Arie knows nothing about dolphins except that they're friendly and that's good, or some thing. Dolphins are also smarter than many humans, including a hundred percent of Bachelor/ette casts. And Emily finds it sweet that Arie is protecting her from getting murdered by a dolphin, which shows her what a good dad he would be. And not even JUMPING DOLPHINS can keep these two horndogs from making out.

There is footage of kissing. There is talking about kissing. It is ninety-nine percent less interesting than this show seems to think it is. And now Emily is talking about how much she's going to want to bang Arie tonight because of what a good kisser he is, essentially.

It's dinnertime, so now -- an hour before Emily's going to invite him to sleep with her -- it's a good time for her to find out if they have more than just chemistry going on. So they talk about his mundane day-to-day shit that I won't bore you with.

And he has some questions of his own: like where are they going to live, how's it all going to work. She doesn't have all the answers (except, naturally, that he gets to decide where they're going to live. But fair enough, I guess, given she doesn't have a job or anything). He seems sweaty and drunk. He talks about how good he is with kids and he wants to show that side to her, so he asks her what her expectations are. Emily wants someone to love Ricki as much as her real dad would. Arie: blah blah blah. Emily: blah blah blah. Whatever, sweaty drunk Arie would be a good dad, Emily feels. An now they are kissing, and I'm kinda surprised her lips didn't just slide right off his sweaty face.

And now she is talking about how badly she wants to sleep with him, but she wants to SET AN EXAMPLE and all, so she's not going to even GIVE him the card, because she doesn't trust herself not to fuck him tonight. And now she is blubbering in an interview about how hard it's going to be to give up one of these three guys, which does not fall into any category of REAL-LIFE PROBLEM that I can think of.

And now she is meeting with Chris Harrison for the fourth overnight date. Oh, sorry! No, she's going to sit down and rehash everything we've seen and whine about having to date one fewer guy than she was a few days ago. Christ, this is always death.

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