Bachelorette
Season 8, Episode 9

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You Don't Have to Go Home, but You Can't Stay Here

Welcome to Curacao! Crystal blue waters and promotional footage of an American Airlines plane landing! This is where horny bachelorettes wear summer dresses whilst standing at the prow of a boat speeding her through the waters to wherever she's going to decide to bang them, or not (but whatever happens, this show will completely insinuate she bangs them all, you watch).

The three guys left are Sean, "Jef," and Arie, so these are probably the only guys whose blood tests came back clean. She likes Sean because he's a football player, or something. She figures that Sean will be there for her no matter what, if they get married. "And I love that about him," she says.

And then the electric-guitar-lite kicks in as we watch Jimmy Reardon, aka "Jef" roll up on his skateboard, and it's hard for the show to present "Jef" as the edgy rebel when he's less threatening (yet pulling the same shtick) as Marty McFly from nearly thirty years ago. Also, his family owns Utah and can shoot skeets, so that's how we know he'll be a good father. And then there's Arie, who is a race-ar driver and will likely not be home very much, and that's what anyone wants in a father. Emily says Arie brings out the youthfulness in her. Emily is 26 YEARS OLD, not YODA, for god's sake. From the tears in her eyes as she takes about how Arie would love her forever, it seems pretty clear -- as it has from the get-go -- that there is Arie, and there is Everybody Else, so we're wasting time even more than usual with this show.

But ooh, the minor-key music starts up while we listen to Emily pretend she's conflicted about who to choose. "I'm still a girl who wants that fairytale ending," she says. She might actually be a YOUNG 26 years old.

Sean gets the coveted First Sex Date. They meet each other on a beach, and Emily says she Sean is the only one who hasn't told her how he feels yet. So it makes total sense he's one of the top three, right? Actually, she just means he hasn't said "I love you" as opposed to "I'm falling for you" or "I can definitely see myself starting to fall in love" or whatever. I mean, only this show would hold it against a guy for not busting out "I love you" for a woman when she is dating TWO OTHER GUYS WHO HAVE SAID THE SAME THING.

They take a helicopter to their own private island. Emily wants to know more about his abs and other qualities that would make him a good husband. They sit on a blanket on the beach and reminisce about the hometown date, and the only thing I can think of more boring than last week's hometown dates is TALKING about last week's hometown dates.

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