Season 8, The Men Tell All

Episode Report Card
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Confidence Men

An audience screams and claps for Chris Harrison, who struts out and asks who here wants to see Emily find the love of her life. People yell and applaud in a way that you might if you, you know, actually knew Emily and had actual emotional investment in her happiness, as opposed to your weird needy desperation to have television people fill some sort of void in your life.

Harrison rattles off the list of losers who will be back tonight to pad out two hours before the padded THREE-HOUR finale on Sunday night, which has to be breaking some kind of law somewhere. I need to get my legal team on that.

Anyway, Harrison sits down with Emily to talk about the rejects, like Ryan, and Kalon, and other guys who say stupid things like "Don't get fat after we get married" and "Ricki is baggage" and "I would like to audition for The Bachelorette, please." How much of this do we need rehashed? There's also Doug, who stuck his tongue down Emily's face while she was dumping him, a French kiss Hail Mary that only made everyone, including the audience, feel bad about themselves.

Well, not the studio audience, which keeps bursting out in totally-spontaneous-and-not-at-all-coached applause. I'm not sure that anyone willing to be seen actually attending a Bachelorette taping is capable of feeling shame.

I do appreciate Chris Harrison's constant references to "America" and "viewers across America" because it makes me feel like I, a Canadian, are exempt from culpability somehow.

And now there are some REALLY EXCITING blooper clips, like when Emily spilled a tablespoon of wine on her dress and then swore in front of her date, who is a guy named Joe who I don't remember ever seeing in my life. And then there was a scene where Travis made her sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to his stupid egg, and also an extended "Travis has a ridiculous accent" montage, capped off by him attending an ostensibly Irish accent (for Shakespeare, for some reason) that I'm reasonably certain was some kind of hate crime, which is probably why it never aired.

Somewhat amusing is the "Chris is a terrible dancer" montage, and this was obviously not aired because it would have blown cerebral cortexes around North America for its awfulness. Emily tells Harrison she can do a really good running man, and he offers her "four dollars" (heh) to do it right now, and then she swears but this time it's a callback to her embarrassment at having sworn in front of her date (Joe, that guy who I think just filmed some new scenes for this episode to see if we're paying attention).

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