Season 8, The Men Tell All

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Daniel: F | Grade It Now!
Confidence Men

And now Chris is making the case for Emily as History's Greatest Humanitarian, and now we're talking about the breakup-kiss again, and she says she wished she'd given Doug the group-date rose on Kalon Baggage night, for saving her from potentially being engaged to Kalon, who then says he's glad she looks so happy and he's sorry for what went down and he wishes her the best, and she calls that the biggest load of shit she's ever heard, and just as you're thinking, "Well, come on, he's apologizing," you find out that Kalon apparently a couple of days ago on Twitter posted a picture of a baggage claim and says he's surprised not to see Emily there, and Kalon can only lamely say he's flattered she follows him on Twitter (because the only way you can see what someone posts on Twitter is to follow them, right?). She tells him she hopes he finds faith in something more than his Prada shoes and rented helicopter.

Home stretch! There is talk about Ryan almost convincing her not to dump him. Harrison wants to know what it is about Ryan, and she talks about how good-looking he is, and also what a sweet-talker he is. So what eventually did him in? She says that while a lot of things they believe in, a lot of others don't. Well, that clears that up!

And then it's time for bloopers! Well, bloopers and people being dorky and staged comedy bits that vary in levels of actual laughs. Harrison asks Emily how many of the guys she plans to sleep with, and she comes back with "Hopefully all twenty-five." There is also black-barred male nudity, including Chris going commando during the Highland games. There are people tripping, and scooters crashing, and Emily apparently saying her ideal man is a tattooed homeless man.

After it's all done, Harrison doesn't give her the traditional "Are you engaged?" question, which can really only mean that she's not. And we close out with a preview of Sunday's THREE-GODDAMN-HOUR season finale, and a revisiting of the two guys Emily has deemed less objectionable than all the rest. Can't wait for yet another fake promise for a won't-happen engagement for a mythical wedding!

During the credits, we learn that Emily is a crazy cat-video maker, and it occurs to Harrison that finding her a husband may be beyond his capabilities as the host of a show with a success rate approaching zero percent, statistically speaking.

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Until Chris Harrison asks, simply, "Why?" the men will never truly tell all. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at

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