So for some reason this episode is "Part 1" of the season finale, when it's really just the second-last episode, right? How dumb do the producers think we are? I realize it's difficult to provide a counter to "you're an idiot" when you are in fact watching The Bachelorette, but it can be done. Oh, it's also the "television event of the summer," according to Chris Harrison's typically hyperbolic intro.
We are in Antigua now, with Desiree riding the prow of a sailboat and looking reflective and reminiscing about what it was like to have twenty-five men show up just for her (which isn't exactly what happened) and how she had no expectations (which is not what she said at the time).
Anyway, hold on. Antigua can wait. First we have to watch an endless stream of clips of Desiree dumping guys and whining about how much it broke her heart. "But despite all the drama and farewells, I am so lucky to be at this point," she says, then puts in a plug for the resort where she's staying. "I feel so great about the three guys I have left," she says, making me hope that at the last moment she ditched the three zeros she has left for an all-new crop of men, and if any of them are poets, they're actually poets.
Nope, it's the same three surviving assholes from last week. Hey, who wants to watch even MORE clips of scenes we've seen over and over again? Look, no one has their hand up. Well, tough shit! First, Chris, then Drew, then Brooks — Brooks of course being the only one she actually loves, and the only one of the three who hasn't told her he loves her. Sadly, she's convinced herself that he doesn't have to, because it's "unspoken." Sometimes, Desiree, when someone doesn't say he loves you, it's because he doesn't love you. Well, you'll learn that soon enough.
So about fifteen minutes in we finally get some new content, which is Drew and Desiree skipping towards each other and embracing, and it takes Desiree ten seconds to say, "I know, right?" over some inane observation of Drew's. Apparently the overnight dates are going ahead. I was confused by the fact that they're billing this as a two-part season finale, and so I thought maybe they weren't doing that.
They're going to go bombing around in a jeep, while Desiree tries to pretend she's into Drew, and even then the only way she can do it is by getting all hot and bothered about how good-looking he is.
They stop at a festival, which I believe is the traditional Festival of Pretending We Do This All the Time Even Though It's Obviously Entirely for the Benefit of the Cameras, and That's Why There Are Only About Twelve People Attending Our Festival. They limbo, they kiss, and Desiree is "loving life" right now, and every time she speaks I'm reminded that Desiree would be your most annoying Facebook friend ever.