Bachelorette
Season 9, Episode 4

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 1 USERS: F
YOU GRADE IT
Manmade Disaster Meets Natural Disaster

Dinner is brutal. Brad is practically mute, and Desiree is concerned.

A date card arrives at the men's hotel: "I'm looking for my Mr. Right," it reads. It's a group date: Brooks, Bryden, Zack K., Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zak W., Mikey, Ben, Michael and Chris. That leaves just James, who everyone assumes is getting a one-on-one date.

Back at dinner, Brad is still barely able to string two sentences together, but at least he's gazing weirdly at Desiree for long, silent stretches. Then they elect to take the stairs to the roof of the building, which ... has a lighthouse on it? There are tedious shots of them trudging up the stairs, and then apparently Desiree wanted to bring him up here to dump him? "I think that something was missing, and unfortunately, I didn't see it being forever," she says, adding that she's not giving him the rose. You couldn't have done this at ground level? What is wrong with you? Brad says he hopes she finds what she's looking for. And what is that? "I want a love that can light the darkness," Desiree tells us, while we watch her do her best to look sad as she gazes out the window.

The men at the hotel watch Brad's suitcases get removed, and Ben in particular sympathizes, as a fellow single dad because looking for love isn't the "funnest" thing to do. Brad, in his exit interview, blubbers a little bit, and then we go BACK to reflective Desiree gazing out into the night and repeating her platitudes on how she didn't see forever.

We all know what's coming on this group date. There are so damn many of them still left that we have to watch her greet them all while a bunch of guys babble at us about how Desiree shits rainbows or whatever. Brooks says she's like a unicorn: "She shows up every once in a while, and is here for ten seconds and is gone, and usually with another guy," he says, and I'd like to know where Brooks is seeing interspecies-sexually-promiscuous unicorns popping up every once in a while.

Desiree takes them to Boardwalk Hall, where he and a Miss America ... contestant? Winner? I don't know ... give them some boring history about how this is where the Miss America pageant was born, and yes, let's all celebrate the birth of that fine institution.

Anyway, the Bachelors are going to have their own Mr. America pageant, aided by "world-famous" pageant coach Christopher Dean, who calls them up on the stage, where he tells them to explore themselves to discover what talents them have. And listen! Everybody can't do masturbation and steroids! There are props for them to explore with, like guitars, batons and juggling balls. And high heels? "It's a hodgpodge of tomfoolery," Drew tells us, since much like the rap video, it's much better for these guys to make a big joke of everything instead of being sincere about anything. Drew is actually performing a Shakespeare monologue and Chris calls it "serious bromanticism" like THIS is EASILY THE DUMBEST COLLECTION OF PEOPLE ON ONE SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION.

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Bachelorette

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