Bachelorette
Season 9, Episode 4

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 1 USERS: F
YOU GRADE IT
Manmade Disaster Meets Natural Disaster

Meanwhile Miss America is asking the idiots sample questions like, "What is America's biggest problem?" and "When do your various probations end?" She makes the mistake of asking Mikey what superpower he'd like, and he says invisibility and creepily talks about he could see what's going on without being seen, and he wiggles his eyebrows at her, and I hope she told him he should try to come off a little less rapey.

Then there is much hooting and hollering when the swimsuit competition is announced, as there are many Speedos.

Harrison stops by to tell them one more thing: It's going to be in front of a live audience. The guys talk about the added pressure to perform, although you know at least a few of them have done time for exposing themselves to strangers.

When the competition begins -- I can't believe the audience couldn't find something better to do in Atlantic City -- Harrison introduces the judges: Miss America 2013, the mayor of Atlantic City, who should be turfed from office for this, and Desiree herself.

The interview portion starts, and -- remember Miss Teen South Carolina? Like such as? Or Miss Utah? Create education better? This makes them look like Churchill. Mikey is asked for one thing women don't understand about men, and he apparently thinks women all see men as buff meatbags without feelings. "From personal experience," you understand. "We cry inside. We like to have fun. We like long walks on the beach," he explains, his fellow contestants backstage cracking up. He says he's trying to get the message out: "I'm sensitive!" Then after complaining about that, he comes out for the talent competition, and his talent consists of taking his shirt off and doing handstand push-ups. Kasey does a fairly competent tap dance, and Brooks plays a song on the ukulele and then smashes it. Bryden strips and airfucks the judges. Zak W. puts on a little twang to play a country song.

And then the swimsuit competition starts, Mikey continuing to do his part to display the softer side of men by flexing his pecs. After some shirtless strutting, the men all come back out on stage for the results: Brooks is the second runner-up, Zak W. is the first runner up, and then Kasey wins and goes into a whole "I can't believe it!" mime routine. Mikey and Zak are both pissed they weren't chosen, but I expect they'll console themselves by oiling each other up, lifting weights, and beating up some nerds.

Afterward, everyone heads to a spa, where Chris isn't satisfied with having been terrible in the pageant but wants to tell Desiree about the poetry he wrote in 2009 when he was bummed out and hanging out in coffee shops. And then he starts reading poetry to her... except it's a poem about her, and it's terrible, and to Desiree's credit, she doesn't laugh at him. To her discredit, she kisses him. "I think the poem may have earned me a rose tonight," he says. Oh, sure. Nothing gets reality show contestants laid quicker than awful poetry.

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