Season 9 Premiere

Episode Report Card
admin: F | 2 USERS: D

We open with the usual montage of clips and platitudes and melodramatic statements that make each season indistinguishable from any other season. Desiree does seem to cry a lot, so at least there's that. Yeah, I know, we all like Desiree. NOW. She's gorgeous, and -- unlike, say, Emily -- doesn't look like she'll shatter if she falls down. I can forgive someone indulging a whim and spending some time on the Bachelor wheel one time, but sign up to do it again, fully knowing how terrible it is and how responsible it is for all of society's ills? Including, like, drone strikes and Hangover Part III? You are evil, and you need to be stopped.

At a hilltop house in Malibu, Desiree pulls up in a two-door sedan -- the sound of her unbuckling her seatbelt is really loud for some reason. Harrison greets her with the news that she is officially the Bachelorette, and she manages not to curl up in the fetal position and start sobbing uncontrollably. Harrison shows her around the house, and then she talks about what a "humbling" childhood she had, and I think we as humanity need to stop using the word "humbling" since we cannot be trusted to use it properly. Anyway, she felt blessed for everything she had and her parents have been together for more than thirty-five years, and she wants what they had.

She wants to find the man of her dreams. Well, her go-round on The Bachelor was such a success, no reason why she shouldn't re-up, right? We watch a montage from her season with Sean, during which Desiree says, essentially, she knew her relationship with Sean was over when, you know, he picked women OTHER THAN HER to stick around. And there she is, crying in the limousine of shame about how she wants to make someone happy. Make yourself happy first, damn. Harrison hands over the keys to a light blue Bentley convertible, and from the way Desiree's talking, she seems to think this is a permanent arrangement.

We watch endless shots of her driving, and then rollerskating in denim cutoffs and bikini top while some terrible song about being "crazy beautiful" plays. Look at her whimsically try on a pink cowboy hat! Look at her sketching palm trees on the beach! Look at her slide down a rock! Look at her scattering seagulls! How can you not love her? She's so completely unassuming!

Ugh, this is the worst time: The longest possible time before no Bachelorette.

"Starting tonight, my life is going to change forever," she tells us, and cackles at having men at her fingertips. Ah yes, the contestant who kids herself into thinking that this show is some sort of feminist manifesto.

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