Season 9: The Men Tell All

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 80 USERS: B-
Désolé, Desiree

Anyway, eventually, the men are brought out on stage and I am legitimately shocked by just how many of them I've forgotten already. There is mostly cheering, with boos reserved for Ben and James, and — to my ears — the loudest screams for Juan Pablo.

Harrison asks Zak W if he "expected it to be all that it was," whatever that's supposed to mean. Zak says he'd sign up to do it again, which doesn't answer the question. But it's not like it was much of a question. Harrison tries again by asking Juan Pablo if he expected all the drama, and Juan Pablo says a whole lot of nothing and then Michael says he was surprised how much everyone got along, for the most part, which honestly sounds like a veiled shot at his purported enemy (but secret man-crush) Ben.

We watch a montage from the opening night, which reminds us of drunk Jonathan attempting to sexually assault Desiree, and then there was the time Brian's girlfriend showed up and seemed unconvincing as herself, yelling at him about whether he cares about "Donovan, my son," because of course she would need to remind her boyfriend who her son is. And there's a revisiting of the Ben and James controversies, where the other men act like "not being best buds with me" and "making plans outside the artificial reality of The Bachelorette" are war crimes.

At least we get to see James' fairly stellar multiple "Fuck you!"-laden exit. Harrison asks Jonathan about his creepy behavior, and he apologizes (his joke that he was shocked he didn't get booed doesn't get the laughs Michael does when he says it's because no one remembered him, which is true). Then Kasey sucks up by pointing out the whole incident gave them confidence that Desiree would make the right decisions. Everyone applauds like he didn't say one of the most patronizing, condescending statements ever on this show — that anyone outside of Desiree gets to decide whether her decisions are "right."

And now they're talking about Brian cheating on his girlfriend to be on the show, and Brandon says, "You don't do that. You don't hurt a woman like that," and I would like to ask Brandon how you do hurt a woman, or maybe he meant you don't hurt a woman like Desiree, but the audience is too busy applauding his brave anti-cheating stance.

After a commercial break, Harrison talks about the touching moment on the first night when Ben's son came out of the limousine, but everything when downhill from there. I don't know about that, since this show is always baseline shit and really can't descend from there, but I take his point. There's a montage of the Ben highlights — oh, god, that weird strappy tanktop, I'd managed to block that out. Anyway, Ben's in the hot seat now, and the sad, sad people in the audience boo Ben at the conclusion of his montage, and he has to explain for idiots that his rant in the limousine was the result of being battered for hours and then dumped.

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