Bachelorette
Season 9: The Men Tell All

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 80 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Désolé, Desiree

"I pursued Des with all of my heart," he says, adding that he didn't let the other guys out of the way. Harrison asks how there can be such a difference between how much Desiree liked him and how much the other guys hated him, and Ben says in not quite the same words that it's because he really doesn't give a shit about the other guys. Mikey jumps in and earns applause for his ridiculous statement that you should treat your girlfriend (well, everyone says "girl" nonstop on this show) the same as you treat your buddies. "I think your idea of The Bachelorette is Ben and Desiree date for six weeks and then get married," says Mikey, who is such a moron that he doesn't seem to understand that he just explained THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT OF THE SHOW. Ben, more politely: "What's wrong with that?" and Mikey says, "There's other guys here," without explaining why Ben is supposed to take the others' feelings into consideration.

There is the usual "you're different on camera versus off" and Ben, thankfully, sticks to his guns that he wasn't there for a relationship with him, and gets angry when his parenting skills are questioned again, especially by Dan, who claims that Ben's wife "tracked him down" in Vegas to tell him that Ben's son was born when Ben cheated with her on his then-girlfriend.

There's also the idea that Juan Pablo is a good father because he brought up his own kid in every conversation (the audience applauds, especially the women in the I Heart Juan Pablo t-shirts), as though Ben wasn't also criticized for exploiting his son when he did talk about him. "Not one of these guys know about my abilities as a father," says Ben, who also allows that he learned how to improve himself because of good things and bad things he learned about himself, which at least means he isn't booed when he's done in the hot seat.

Now it's James' turn in the hot seat. We watch the whole sorry mess — there's Kasey being the house moral authority again, which isn't to say James doesn't come off as a massive phony when he explains himself to Desiree. Harrison asks James what he said to Mikey in that fateful conversation. James said Mikey was frustrated over not getting arose on the group date, and touting James' chances since he'd been doing well, and then said, "Worse comes to worst, you'll be the next Bachelor," and James said he thought that it'd be great. As for talking about all the tail they'd pull, that was just having a conversation like "real men" have sometimes. I always enjoy it when this image-rehabilitating exercise winds up making someone even less likeable. James claims that the relationship he was building with Desiree was beautiful, and a few guys owe him an apology for ruining his chances with Desiree.

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