Season 9: The Men Tell All

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 80 USERS: B-
Désolé, Desiree

Harrison asks "key player" Mikey about what happened, and Mikey says if things don't work out for them, they'll hang in Chicago. "We were venting to each other like friends do," he says, adding that he doesn't remember who brought up going on The Bachelor but says he was just talk and not some grand plan, but you do plan for things not working out.

Kasey can't keep quiet and asks Mikey a ridiculous question about whether he'd tell his wife on their wedding day about what he plans to do if things don't work out, and he gets applause from the idiots of the crowd (which seem to be the majority). Kasey continues to insist that James and Mikey were making big plans about all the women they were going to meet. I find Kasey's version immensely plausible. Which isn't the same as giving a shit or thinking there was anything wrong in any version of this conversation between two mental midgets, trust me.

Mikey blows up at Kasey but sadly no punches are thrown. Kasey is crucifying James for telling Desiree he was falling for her and then having this conversation with Mikey on the other hand. And then Kasey says something about James talking about someone [bleeping] off camera that makes James laugh and the audience gasp and literally cover their faces and I would love to know what was said. Harrison asks James about his intentions, whether he was there for Desiree or not. He says he came on the show all-in to fall in love. Everyone's Darling Juan Pablo says he likes James but would not want his sister or daughter to date him, and Juan Pablo wags his finger at him.

Harrison asks James if he would be the next Bachelor, and of course James has to be careful and not immediately say yes. Harrison asks the audience if they'd trust James as the next Bachelor, and the response is a chorus of nos but I'm not sure you can trust the judgment of people who (ostensibly) willingly come to be in the audience for The Men Tell All. "I'm going to take that as a 'no' except for that one guy who said yes," says Harrison. Hee.

Next up is "the fan favorite we barely got to know," which is about Juan Pablo maximizing his fan appeal with a minimal amount of screen time. Well, at least we get to see again Desiree's utterly baffling inability to say his name properly. Many shots of the audience melting over the Juan Pablo montage ,which I only half-jokingly think is longer than the total amount of screen time he received this season.

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