Bachelorette

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Nothing to Tell

There are very few things in this life that I feel like I am above. I've gone to WWE wrestling matches, I've sat ringside at a Charo concert, I've eaten pickled eggs in a bar, rescued French fries off the floor, pooped in the woods, shotgunned shitty beer, I've even been licked by Andy Dick (true story!) and I've been okay with it. But I am pretty sure that I am above recapping a reunion show of Bachelorette cast-offs. I mean, even ALI doesn't like these guys, and she put up with Craig the schmucky lawyer for weeks on end. She even allowed Fake Dean McDermott through for a few rounds. Heck, she thought meth-mouthed Frank with the super-shiny face was The One. Yet even she couldn't stand to hang around these guys. Speaking of Frank, HE'S NOT HERE. Neither is Justin. So without the presence of the two most dramaz-producing guys on the show, we are looking at two solid hours of Mush-Mouthed Kasey and The Weatherman and Craig the Lawyer and Tennessee Ty and a whole bunch of other guys whose names I do not know. I am above this. So are you. Go do something else. Save yourself.

But before we actually get to the Men Telling All, we get the unique pleasure of Chris "Sinecure" Harrison talking to Ali about Justin, a.k.a. Rated R. Chris reminds Ali that all the men voted Justin Most Likely to be a Skeeve, and Ali didn't believe them. Ali nods that, yes, she was that stupid. Nay, she is that stupid. She thought Justin, and really, every man on the show, was actually there just to compete for her affection. In pursuit of her sweet, sweet love, the men were all 100% honest and 100% "there for her" and most definitely not there for their careers or their Dancing With the Stars aspirations. No, they were all there for her. Harrison nods that Ali should really go ahead and keep believing that if it makes her feel better about the fact that she quit her job to be on a reality show. Then we get a montage of Ali and Justin's time together. I won't recap it, because I ALREADY DID. Read it here. Done? Okay then.

After that mini-memory lane montage, Chris Harrison keeps the freak train moving right along to Kasey. Remember Kasey? Guy who talks like he is reading Hallmark cards with his jaw wired shut? The guy who would randomly start flatly singing from the bottom of his soul? Guy who got a tattoo of a rose and shield and a Latin phrase which roughly translated means "I'm a nitwit who will never get laid"? Remember him? Got abandoned on a glacier? Yeah, he needs to be mocked publicly some more. Moving on! Hey, guys, remember Kirk? Remember way back two weeks ago? Of course not! You've been watching this show and that has cost you a lot of brain cells. Clearly you can't remember something that happened two weeks ago! All you really need to know about Kirk is that Ali met his family and then dumped him faster than a taxidermied turd. Harrison nods and then urges Ali to move along, move along because we have to talk about Frank. Remember Frank? I mean, it was just last week, but Harrison apparently thinks we have the collective IQ of a dim squirrel so let's talk about Frank as if we have sniffed so much Wite-Out that we can't recall who he is or what he did. Here's the recap. Here's the recap of the recap: Frank ditched Ali in Tahiti for his old girlfriend. Ali got sad. But now she is fine. Great story! Tell it again! No.

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Bachelorette

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