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Nothing to Tell

Blooper Reel! Roberto almost beans Ali in the head with a champagne cork! Almost! Not quite! But almost! Then, this one time Frank's dad had a stroke in the middle of a toast and gave a really long-winded word salad of a speech and everyone laughed. Good times! Then this one time Ali put on a space helmet at the Natural History museum but was black-out drunk and didn't remember it at all! Hahahahahhhaaa!!! Then this one time nature rose up against Ali and Roberto's love, and a cat crashed their date in Portugal, and then a peacock did, too. Mother Nature hates The Bachelorette because it is against the Natural Order of Things. To round out the Blooper Reel we have the Unlikely Existence of Chris N. Apparently all the men called him The Phantom, because he would sneak up and cuddle with you in bed and then disappear into the fog, and if I had ever seen The Phantom of the Opera I would make some reference to it, but I have only seen The Phantom Menace. And you should probably pretend I didn't just say that. Anyway, Chris N. existed (apparently), and he was weird. Hee hee! And thus endeth the trip down Bachelorette Memory Lane. As we head to commercial, Harrison promises that, when we return, the most memorable bachelors of the season will join him on stage. Then he is crushed by a giant asterisk that serves to remind us that none of the most memorable bachelors will actually be there as Frank, Roberto, Chris L. and Justin have all been killed, flogged, or forced into seclusion.

We return from our respite to find Peculiar Jesse, Hunter, Kyle, Tyler V. Craig R., John C., Derrick, Jason, Steve, Chris N., Kirk, The Weatherman, Kasey and Tennessee Ty. So out of the bachelors who are there, WAY more than half (Kyle, Derrick, John C. Jason, Tyler V., and Steve) are not even has-beens. I am not even sure they were on the show. Harrison starts the proceedings with Craig R., because none of these other people even exist, really. Chris N., who I guess I must now refer to as The Phantom, since he went and got a T-shirt with it printed on it, and I want him to get some real return on his investment, pops up and says something inane and then walks off the stage. Then Craig R. swears that he had no idea what this competition would be like. His life as a lawyer simply didn't prepare him for reality television, which is truly shocking except for that it is not at all surprising. I mean I think the only thing that could actually prepare you for reality television is either the Reality Television Star School or lucha libre. Then we get a montage of Krazy Kasey's Greatest Hits, minus the singing, interspersed with his bachelor friends mocking him for being completely fucking Looney Tunes. Everyone is laughing, but you know Kasey is going home to journal something fierce. I expect tear-stained poetry. Then it is The Weatherman's turn for derision, in which he is described as "annoying" and "like a gnat" and "with a small ding-dong." Also included in The Weatherman's story is his Little Battle Royale with Craig M., a.k.a. Fake Dean McDermott, who apparently had something better to do than show up here tonight? I guess stalking Tori Spelling takes more time than I think. Next up for the Mocking Block is Justin. And everyone takes turns explaining how much they hate him. How they all KNEW he was a fake, a user and a manipulator. They knew it!

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