Bachelorette

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Nothing to Tell

Hey, did you think we talked about Kasey already? Because apparently, we haven't even started talking about Kasey yet. ...Sigh. Five full minutes of Krazy Kasey's Greatest Hits, and after the phrase "I will guard and protect her heart" plays on repeat for ten minutes (look for the funky fresh remix on YouTube tomorrow!) we finally hear Kasey's side of the story. Which is pretty much the same as we have already seen. Kasey is Looney Tunes and talks like a dolphin and came on way too strong and is a wee bit frightening with his stalker aspirations. Harrison calls him out on his singing and flat-out tells him that it was all kinds of awkward. Kasey shrugs. He really wanted Ali to like him. Yeah, we got that. Harrison begs him to explain the tattoo and Kasey calmly answers that he wanted to guard and protect his future wife's heart and the tattoo was the best way to do that. I would think jiu jitsu lessons or, like, a specialty in cardio-thoracic surgery and a hearty fiber breakfast, but whatevs. Harrison kicks Krazy Kasey off the stage and hopefully I will never ever have to think about him again.

Time for Kirk to take the stand. We are reminded that Kirk had fungus and this battle with mold inspired Ali to call him Kirky and drag him around the world, but when she saw his dad's basement and his mom's upholstery she sent him home. He was in love with her! And she sent him home! Reality TV is so cruel! And so like reality! Except that Kirk never once inspired me. Except maybe to go buy some Clorox and really scrub the mildew out of the bathroom. The one interesting thing to come out of Kirk's conversation with Harrison is that Kirk is pretty bitter towards Frank. See, Frank was not there for the right reasons. Kirk was there for the right reasons. He had no thoughts of other women. He hasn't dated anyone in five years, so it was all Ali, all the time. He and all his spores, molds and fungus were there JUST FOR ALI. So this is putting a damper on his relationship with Frank. But they will prevail, go out for an Old Style and watch a Packers game.

Despite the fact that we have spent the last hour talking about Justin and how much everyone hates him and how he wasn't there for the "right reasons" and how he had at least one girlfriend, maybe two, and refused to come on the reunion show, NOW we get to officially talk about Justin. Yay? First we get a recap of what a tool Justin is. Here's my recap (again). Shorter version: Justin climbed through the shrubbery on one leg to escape public humiliation and failed. Then Craig mounts a huge defense of himself claiming that despite rumors to the contrary, he is not an extension of Justin's family, he is not friends with Justin, they don't talk on the phone. Uh... what rumors? Who cares? Who is thinking about this? Frankly, I am not thinking about Justin about as much as I am not thinking about Craig R. I am certainly not thinking about whether or not they are talking to each other. So the men all talk about how much they hate Justin, how Justin is evil, how they all knew he was cheating on Ali (a girl he was not actually dating) and how he was nothing but a big old famewhore. While we should be done with this subject, we are not. Because ABC needs to stretch this into a solid two hours, because ABC has nothing better with which to fill this time slot. So Chris Harrison brings Ali's "friend," ex-Bachelorette Jessie, out on to the stage to explain how she knew that Justin was a Cheaty McCheatypants. (By the way, I'm going to call it now: Jessie is going to be the next Bachelorette. What, you were thinking Vienna? Ha!) So Jessie lays out the whole sordid scandal. In short, Justin's girlfriend Facebooked her fellow Canadian, Jessie, claiming that Justin was her boyfriend. Jessie did some Nancy Drew role-playing and decided that Jessica's claims were true. Also, she was pretty sure that if she believed the claims were true it would get her back on American television. So she reported it, and the producers thought it would be neat if Jessie called her fake BFF Ali in Istanbul to out Justin. Wacky hijinks, shrub hopping and masculinity questioning ensued. Chris Harrison asks the audience what they think and, sure enough, they think Justin is a big old meany! Shocking, I know.

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Bachelorette

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