Bachelorette
The Men Tell All

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Uncontrolled Substances

Chris is there because Chris knows how to ask the tough questions: "What's your reaction? First of all to Trista, hearing that stuff for the first time? And about what the guys think about you?" For some reason, Russ throws that question to the long-forgotten (yes, he was my show boyfriend for a brief time. Yes, I am that fickle) Rob, with whom I guess there was some simmering animosity to which we were never privy. Rob constructs a sentence in which every word might as well just be "duuuuude," so chill is he in his delivery: "He forgot that there were twenty-four guys that were also having the unique experience." Ew. "Unique experience" describes taking LSD or dabbling in naturism during the summer; I just don't think this qualifies. And anyway, Chris sees Bob shaking his head, and asks him, "The whole purpose of this was to try and beat the other twenty-four guys, right?" Bob non-replies, "The one thing that surprised me the most is that Trista didn't kiss on the first date, because I know Jamie tried a little lip lock, and it worked out the complete opposite of the way it went for us." Heh. When in doubt, change the subject, return to the practiced material, and nail the joke. I can dig it. Jamie, from his seat, responds genially, picking up a pillow from his couch and throwing it at Bob. No roughhousing with the feng shui, boys.

Chris ignores Jamie: "You were, as we saw, the first guy to kiss Trista, in Vegas. Did you know that at the time?" Russ says he figured it out because it was the first group date, but that "each of us had alone time with her that night." Brook combatively butts in, really mad, claiming, "You took all of it." He then spontaneously laughs maniacally when Russ looks him in the eye, Satan's power surging through him. Oh, that laugh is creepy. I hope he doesn't do something really weird like start dancing like a marionette puppet or something. He's too happy about his sadness right now. Brook is freaking me out. But Josh, wearing une belle chapeau, agrees, "We were all hanging out at the club, having a good time. And then basically y'all took off." Russ defends himself that he was following Trista to the room, employing the logic, "If I was [sic] so aggressive, she wouldn't have brought me to the room." Okay. Prick up your pointy devil ears, Mephis-STOP-IT-eles, because I only have it in me to say this one more time: She. Took. You. Back. To. Her. Room. Because. She. Was. Wasted. Booze talks, she walks. The proof is in the proof. I'm running out of ways to say it.

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Bachelorette

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