Bachelorette
The Men Tell All

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Uncontrolled Substances

Chris does note, on the other hand, "You did take some heat on the message boards." He did? Y'all, lay off Bob. "But the media was also kind of hard on you as well." Bob recounts a quick story in which a radio DJ kept referring to him as "Fat Bob," until Bob took the reins and turned the tables (sorry), referring to said radio personality as "Stupid Steve." And again, I'd probably feel worse for him if I understood why these people deserve to be interviewed on the radio. Fame is odd. Bob gets his biggest laugh so far in telling us, "I went on the show a little heavier than I usually am," saying that he sees that in retrospect as an asset: "Everybody else was all buffed and ripped and everything else, and I was bringing a little something extra." Heh. A lot of something extra. Boohoo, Bob. You had me and then you ate me. Chris takes pains to remind us that Bob is an athlete, and that the reason he was so perversely, morbidly obese on television is that he "blew out [his] Achilles." But he pronounces it as if saying any vowel sound other than the long "e" would mean you would certainly be sentenced to death. "Ee-KEE-leez." That's how he says it. That's wrong. In closing, Bob notes that his strategy on the show was a sure-fire winner, as he tells us, "I bulked up. The way I look at it, I've got nothing to lose. I'll always look better than I did on the TV show. These guys? One Fatburger and it's all over for them." Dude. Here are some other things you can go and find funny: the IRS. Car commercials. North Dakota.

Another blondie from the studio audience -- this one with black-framed glasses and a business casual cardigan -- tells Bob, "You're definitely our favorite bachelor." She's gonna get buzzed if she doesn't phrase that in the form of a question. Her question regards the aftermath of the Rose Ceremony in which Bob was booted, asking if he was "crushed" when Trista backhanded the compliment about giving him the fifth rose that didn't technically...well, exist. He responds magnanimously, "I know how she meant it. I think she meant it to be a real heartfelt gesture, so I took it as such. I was really happy about it." Chris asks about other relationships Bob has been in since the end of the taping, and he trims the hedges with a long answer that culminates with his lifetime ideology: "Have a good time." The verdict is in, people: fat people are jolly. But he doesn't stop there: "I was always stuck in the mold of trying to please other people, and now I please myself." Beat. "And that sounds really weird." Masturbation? Fertile ground for comic exploration. Y'all, let's give it up for Bob.

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Bachelorette

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