The Men Tell All

Episode Report Card
Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
Uncontrolled Substances

Jamie is called down to the hot seat with the invitation, "Who eats dog food from a forty-pound bag?" I can barely suppress the Stonecutters call-and-response, "We do! We do!" that creeps up on me pretty much, like, whenever someone asks a question. Jamie waves at the crowd, and said crowd goes wild for it. Chris takes us back to that first fateful night in Encino: "Not only did you impress Trista, but you were an odds-on favorite with most of the viewers. Including my mom, by the way." Hey, Chris? I know that's the first-ever reference you yourself have made about your mom. And still, that's enough about your mom. Montagecakes, where we discover Jamie in a series of shirtless, running poses. I'm drunk on a six-pack of Jamie, y'all. Trista deems him "the perfect catch," but Shannon, Original Bachelor Cast Member, adds onto that, "He's just so nervous around Trista that he doesn't act like himself." Jamie winces repeatedly from the sign-language box as he watches himself. Trista thinks he "has some insecurities about himself for absolutely no reason." Cue amazingly awkward kiss on the beach, followed by Jamie not getting a rose. Trista ends with a remark about Jamie having to "believe in himself," and we learn from Jamie in his interview that he has a history of "panic attacks," and that his decision to appear on television was a strength, rather than what he thinks that she perceived as a weakness or a "lack of confidence." He does seem like a good guy. But awkward self-consciousness does not make for particularly great television. Chris asks Jamie if he wishes he'd made a move on Trista during the shower scene, but Jamie is glad he played it cool, adding, "Typically, on a first date, I do that. Take a shower with a girl." Heh. Not bad. Way to call this show out on its inherent non-reality. That I can get behind. He refers to the failed kiss as a "spectacular TV moment," going on to define panic attacks and blaming Trista for thinking that he was just a nervous loser. But Jamie is single, he wants to let us know, and the crowd goes slightly wild, including one woman aaaaaall the way to the right of my screen who does what I can only categorize as a "You go, girl" dance in response to his continuing singlehood. Stop it! Stop it! You're going to make him nervous!

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