Bachelorette

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I'm Here for the Right Reasons -- Booze
ning how much weight to give the rock as you slide it down the sheet. I can't offer any advice on that score, but I can point you to maybe the greatest song ever written about curling, which is "Tournament of Hearts" by the Weakerthans. Added bonus: curling serves not only in the narrative, but also as a metaphor! OK, primarily as a metaphor. But the Weakerthans rule, and you should check them out.

So breakdancing instructor Michael explains that curling is kind of like "shuffleboard meets bowling meets ice-skating," and he calls it terrifying. Everybody kind of sucks at it (one of the guys asks Reed if his "husband" curls too, which I'd like to point out is actually ALLOWED in Canada), which is normal the first time you try it, although Juan kind of smarmily says it's all about flexibility, balance and touch, and he has all three.

Back at the hotel, Kiptyn tells Mike and Mark there are two cards. One reads, "Mark and Mike: come with me to the top of the world. Jillian." The other card is from Chris, who really ought to wait until Jillian discards these guys before making his move. Anyway, his card reads: "One rose. One stays, one goes." Mike tells us that if there was a hidden camera at the hotel, she'd see how some of the guys really are.

Anyway, back at the rink, Jillian explains that she's dividing the guys up into teams, and the winning team gets to take her out. Sadly, it doesn't look like they're going to be playing Canada's curling version of the Harlem Globetrotters, who are ... I'm just kidding. Canada doesn't have a curling version of the Harlem Globetrotters. Anyway, Team Blue consists of Tanner, Wes, Ed, Reed and Michael. One of the guys yells: "You guys are going down. In a bad way!" I'd like for him to explain exactly what he thinks the other team going down in a good way would mean. (Again, though, it's OK! You're in Canada!) Red team is Juan, Dave, Jake, Jesse and Robby. Jake is planning on saying goodbye to the blue team as they walk out the door with Jillian.

So as if curling isn't boring enough to watch when it's played by people who actually know what they're doing, we have to watch like three hours of these nimrods trying to hit just ONE shot. God, this is painful. Michael tells us, while we watch him molest Jillian, how hot she looked today in spandex and a sweatshirt. "All I wanted to do was pick her up and hug her and get a hot chocolate with her somewhere and NOT CURL," he says. Jesse tells us it "became real" when Jillian told us the game was for a date, like every episode features somebody saying that things all of a sudden got real. And then Jesse is like the ONE guy who is able to put a rock near the button, when usually curling is a mess of angles and caroms, and Michael is jealous of Jesse being more athletic than him, and proclaiming Jesse's shot an "Olympic-level" shot, because he would know.

Michael's got one last shot to knock Jesse's stone out of there, but since we've already heard his defeated, hangdog interview, we already know he missed, so I'm not sure what was up with the slow-motion curling action shots they show us. Jillian has a trophy for the red team, and Reid thinks that Jillian would have rather been with the blue team because they are all "good guys." Well, the red team does have Dave on it.

Then I think some of my recording was cut because of a thunderstorm warning on WXYZ, like THANK YOU MOTHER NATURE, and the next thing we know Jake and Jillian are on the bridge of a boat, and Jake is telling us that she's got all the qualities he's looking for in his wife, and he calls himself a nice guy and says he thinks he's a catch. Then the two of them are talking about the date they had in which she inflicted Martina McBride on him, which he loved because he's so country. Jillian says, "My first impression of you is that you are so perfect. Everything that comes out of your mouth is perfect," she says, which he says a bunch of ex-girlfriends have told him before, and I can't think of a better way to disprove "everything that comes out of your mouth is perfect" than bringing up the fact that you have a "a bunch" of former girlfriends, and he tells her that he's far from perfect, and has a lot of flaws, and then she tells him it's OK to not be perfect, because he's funny and good-looking and has a good heart or whatever. And then he tells us that he heard something he didn't want to hear tonight, which is that he's too perfect, which he's heard before, and I start to gag at the poor guy burdened with everyone thinking how awesome he is. "I hope I'm just not too perfect that I get eliminated," he says. His mind is a little on overload he says, and I don't think The Bachelorette has ever caused someone's mind to be on overload before.

Then Jillian is hanging out with Jesse, who wastes all his time with her by babbling about how he hasn't gotten to spend any time with her and he was really hoping to spend time with her, and then he tells her that she's driven, so successful, and has a sense of humour, and those three things make up the complete package for him, which I'm sure he'd still feel if she were ugly. Then she's telling him that he's still here for a reason, which makes him feel better, although I doubt he'd feel better if he realized that the reason is probably that she's only allowed to cut so many douchebags per week. Then they start kissing. "Actually sitting down with Jillian was hands-down the best part of the day," he tells us.

Meanwhile, Jake is asking the other guys if he comes across as "too perfect," like how much does Jake deserve to be punched in his perfect face right now, and Dave is talking about how Jake probably comes across as too straightforward and that most girls like the little bit of challenge to the bad boy, which in my experience is true, like, in HIGH SCHOOL, and that women generally grow out of that bullshit by college, and that any who don't really aren't worth wasting time on anyway, because at some point, unless the bad boy grows up himself, he just turns into the raging asshole with a drinking problem, which is ... probably why Dave has a vested interest in thinking Jillian would be into that.

And Jillian in an interview is countering Dave's theory by explaining that he's rough around the edges and she hopes to see the softer side of Dave. He sits down with her, and reminds her of how she gave him the first impression rose, and this is a good time to remind Dave that he got the first impression rose because Jillian thought his tongue-tied routine was sweet, and it had nothing to do with Dave revving his motorcycle and getting into a bar fight, which is what he seems to have convinced himself.

And the promos have led us to think that Dave practically date-rapes Jillian here, so let's get right to it, shall we? Dave tells her, with bug eyes, about how awesome her ass looked in spandex, and that he was standing behind her looking at her ass the whole time they were curling. "Her ass is FANTASTIC," he raves to us in yet another drunken interview. "I mean, it's (bleep) hot." He calls her a liar when she says she doesn't look at her own ass in the mirror. In an interview, she tells us that when they get comfortable, he gets a little too comfortable with her, and I think it's pretty sad that she can't just say, "This guy is a mental case," and be done with it. She's looking increasingly uncomfortable even as he's babbling on about how comfortable she is with him, and she adjusts her neckline which he points to as more evidence of comfort like, "Your (bleep) are hanging out, it's cool whatever," he says, and then he goes in for a kiss and she gives him the cheek deflection, and he pouts that he doesn't get a kiss. "Not after the word (bleep)," she says, and he leans in to whisper, "Why the hell wouldn't you kiss after the word (bleep)?" he asks her, and then he says he's never been turned down for a kiss before, and all I can is that escort services have to make their money somehow. And he whines that she's kissed everybody, which horrifies her, and she says she kissed a b

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