Bachelorette

Episode Report Card
Daniel: D | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
I'm Here for the Right Reasons -- Booze
unch of the guys for the acting thing, which weren't real kisses. "I'm not that girl," she says, and I hate to point out that even if she were, that doesn't mean Dave is owed a kiss. And besides, doesn't it seem like she actually has kissed just about all the guys? "I just feel like he doesn't respect me," she tells us. Meanwhile, I can't believe she hasn't just stood up and walked out on him, instead of babbling on about kissing guys when it got to a natural place to do that, and I'd like to know what the word "natural" has to do with The Bachelorette anyway. He tells her that in a normal situation he would have kissed her one hundred percent, hands-down. In an interview, he drunkenly and deludedly tells us that Jillian is into him, and that she's just challenging him, because she somehow totally set him up to go in for a kiss and then didn't give one.

So she finally escapes and goes back out to sit with all the guys, probably to hand out the rose, and then blessedly Jerry Hodak of WXYZ interrupts us with thunderstorm information for Michigan, and by the time he's done we're in a commercial break.

Then Mike and Mark are getting ready for their two-on-one date, and Mike amazingly wants the rose. Mark says he's super-excited to see Jillian since he hasn't seen her since they came to the hotel, and it's been "three days laying in wait."

Jillian explains to us for the eightieth time this episode how the two-on-one date works, and then she's meeting the guys, Mike running right over to give her a hug, and Mark jealously wishing he'd thought of that. Then they're walking through what I presume is the amazing Stanley Park, only instead of enjoying the park, they get in a helicopter, which is going to be even more special than the other times Jillian has been in a helicopter, presumably. Then Jerry Hodak is back to update us on the tornado watch, maybe because he can't stand The Bachelorette any more than anyone else.

When we're done, the menage-a-trois is sitting down to dinner, and Mike is expounding on how much passion Jillian has for life, and how she grabs life by the horns, and Mark looks like he wants to yack up all his supper. He tells us that he thinks Mike is more comfortable putting all that kind of stuff out there, because that's more in his comfort zone. In other words, he's more comfortable because he's more comfortable. Thanks for that!

Then Mark is babbling about how he's thought about getting a dog and moving to Alaska. Just what every woman wants to hear! He says he's guarded like the quarterback behind a line of "defensive men," and I hate to tell him that the quarterback is behind a line of offensive linemen, and he'd better brush up on his sports terms if he's going to be manly Alaska man alone with his dog.

So we're at Grouse Mountain, which is apparently where the helicopter took them while we were watching the tornado warning, and Jillian tells the guys that they're both incredible people and if she didn't think that, they wouldn't be here right now, and that she really likes them. Then she tells us that she thought she'd have a clear-cut idea of who she was sending home. Both of those things can't be true!

After whining about how hard the decision is on her, the guys interrupt her to tell her that they're big boys who can handle it. They probably were just sick of hearing about it. So then she goes to talk to Mike one-on-one, and she babbles forever and says something about how this is the "scariest night" she's ever had, and unless she's talking only in the context of this show, then she's had a pretty charmed life, our Jillian. Then Mike talks about something about putting himself out there, and Jillian says something about being there for the right reasons, and -- you know, I've never actually wished for someone to be buried in an avalanche? But there's a first time for everything. Then they hug. Mike tells us he's falling in love, and he could definitely spend the rest of his life with Jillian, who tells us that she's positive Mike would treat her like gold if she were his wife, and she's glad that he's recognized that he could be in love with her, or something like that, something that was probably intended to be less obnoxious-sounding than it turned out to be.

Then it's Mark's turn to babble on and on about absolutely nothing. He says he's had a couple of past relationships that make all this stuff really hard, and blathers on about juvenile stuff and things needed to have been different to work out, and "love conquers all, I'm going to be an idiot," and he's pretty sure he got cheated on, like WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Jillian says she could relate when he told her about getting his heart broken, and it was good to see that side of him. She asks him if he thinks he could find the kind of person he's meant to be with here, and maybe someone should point out to Jillian that IT'S ONLY HER, and he says there's no venue in which love can't be found. "So you believe in it," she presses him, and he admits that he does.

Back at the hotel, the guys are wasting a perfectly amazing hotel in an amazing city by sitting around and talking about Mike and Mark and Jillian, and Dave says he thinks she'll send them both home tonight. Back at Grouse Mountain, the rose sits on a platter while Jillian quaveringly says this is the hardest date she's ever had in her life. She tells Mike that he expresses himself very well, while Mark has a harder time saying things, but shows how he feels, and then winds up giving the rose to Mark which I have to say surprised me, and then she says they don't know how hard a decision it was for her, and then she's crying while sending Mike off, and he tells her that she deserves to be happy, and as far as sendoffs, riding in a gondola is way more awesome than getting plunked down on a city bus like Sasha. She tells us she's not going for what all the girls think they want in a husband, but what she needs in a partner. I'm not sure what she means by that. Mike reflects that if he were a betting man, he would have put all his money on himself. I feel bad for him, and then he says "put it all out there," and I get over it.

Back at the hotel, the guys watch as Mike's luggage is taken out of the hotel, and Michael the breakdancer says he thought for sure Mark was going to be sent home, and he thinks Jillian made the wrong choice. Because it's about who all the guys like better, and not Jillian herself.

Cocktail party/rose ceremony time! Juan says he doesn't think any guy feels one hundred percent secure. Well, except for Mark, I imagine, who has a rose, as does Kiptyn, as does Jerry Hodak, if my memory serves. Do I have that right? Jillian greets the guys at the hotel, and she tells us how great it is to have a cocktail party in Vancouver and to continue to get to know the guys.

So then she's hanging out with Reid, and says when she's with him, she just wants to snuggle up with him, but they should probably use the time to catch up. She tells him that she'd love to hang out at the hotel with them, and he obliquely says that if she hung around with them, she'd probably have a different idea of who she does or doesn't like, and she doesn't really press him for information, and they go back to talking about bullshit like how Jillian's first crush was a musician named Vincent with dark hair, and Reid teases her that it sounds like Wes, only with us he's a little less circumspect about being honest and says Jillian doesn't know that Wes is only there for his music. Having heard "Love Don't Come Easy" about eighty times (although, thankfully, not once this episode), all I can say is that I hope Wes has a day job. Meanwhile, the guys are talking about this stupid show, and Jake says it's inevitable that she's going to fall in love with two of them, which I hate to tell him isn't true, and Wes says it could be more and admits to having been in love with three or four women at once, and the edit of the guys' reactions make it seem like Wes just said, "Yeah, I like to eat dogshit sandwiche

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6Next

Bachelorette

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP