Cut to Wes all but cackling and twirling his Snidely Whiplash mustache, talking about the fame he'll get from this show. "I taste it. I eat it. And it comes inside me and becomes a part of me," he says. "Fame"? Quick, Wes: name THREE PEOPLE who have been on this show. "Fame"? Give me a break.

So anyway, I ... oh my god, did he just say "It comes inside me"? IS THAT WHAT HE SAID?

After I regain consciousness, Wes is all snuggled up with Jillian, their eyes closed. "I got records to sell!" he says. Ah, there's the cackling. He also proudly proclaims that he'll always have Jillian wrapped around his little finger. Hee! It's about time Wes started being honest.

So the next morning, Jillian is talking about how leaving Robby behind broke off a little piece of her heart, or something inane, and so she wanted to start fresh and have breakfast with the guys, and she talks about how this is like an old-fashioned romantic movie, riding the train with all the boys. An old-fashioned porno, maybe.

Then Jillian leaves the guys with the date card, for Tanner, Wes, Michael, Jesse, Jake, Kiptyn: "Next stop, Rocky Mountain Romance." And Reid can't figure it out and has to be told that that means he gets the other one-on-one date. And then Michael opens his mouth and figures the date has to do with ice cream, because "Rocky Mountains" is an ICE CREAM.

And then the train is arriving in Emerald Lake, B.C., and everyone gets off the train except Reid, which luckily for him means that he didn't have to go snowshoeing and witness the return of Tanner's overriding foot fetish, and Reid got to sit and drink and read and listen to music on the train instead of snowshoeing and falling on his ass and throwing snowballs and saying that Jillian looked really sexy in her snow gear, over and over and over again. And then they play hide and seek, and Jillian is talking about how hide and seek made her feel like a kid again, like what is her obsession, and then Jake is jumping her for a quick cuddle, and then Jillian blathers on about how you can do whatever you want in the snow because it's so forgiving, whatever she means by any of this, and now that vein over my left eye is throbbing again, so I need to go lie down. Jake says, "Rolling around in the snow, and then the whole thing was just, kinda surreal, if that's the word to describe it." It's not.