Bachelorette

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Throw Robby from the Train
in, and he goes on about it for a while. "I didn't have any idea that Reid was so neurotic," Jillian tells us, but at the same time she wants someone to share their insecurities. He's also apparently insecure about buying vegetables that were in all likelihood touched by people who scratched their asses with them. Well, fair enough.

Then they have a mind-numbing conversation about their respective types, and Jillian admits that he's different from what she's used to, and he says that he's had a certain type, and she's different. The girls he's dated have been blond, and they don't look like Jillian, which he says is a good thing. She asks about what Reid's parents would say Reid needs from a woman, and he talks about someone who needs him but also needs him to needs her, or something, and then she asks about what his parents would say about living with her in "the sticks," and here she goes again pretending to be a hick, because two million people in metro Vancouver equates to "the sticks," and he says those things work. "If you're two easygoing people, you just work it out. It just happens." And if it doesn't, then it's not meant to be. She says that's a good attitude, even though she clearly thinks he's crazy. "Easygoing"? They're screwed. She tells us that she thinks he's on her level, on her playing field. And then she picks up the rose and babbles about their connection and spark. "I'm a little bit worried that we don't have a lot in common." He says that's fair. "But I really, really want to go back home, and meet your family, and I really want to figure it out."

Anyway, then they're talking about being raised differently, and he busts on her (thankfully) for acting like Vancouver's a small town, but she's talking about Peace River.

And now the train pulls into Banff, and Chris Harrison is standing at the station waiting for it. It's time for your next rose ceremony, he shouts at the gang, and Jillian hugs the guys and says she'll see them later, and that's when she and Chris head into a fancypants hotel where the two of them rehash all the stupid stuff that happened so far. Chris asks her about Wes, and the "certain stigma" that comes along with musicians, and she says she thinks Wes might have originally come on for publicity, but she knows he cares for her. Then she talks about Jake being "perfect," which she knows he's going to hate. Yeah, along with the rest of us.

Chris asks how things have progressed with Tanner, and she allows that he talks a little too much about the other guys, but she knows he has feelings, or something, or blah blah blah, and I must have missed the part where either of them used the phrase "creepy foot fetish."

So they talk a little bit about the other guys and Chris asks if she still thinks her husband is potentially in that room, and she tells him, "Easy on the 'h'-word," which really sounds like a resounding "no" to me.

Yay, rose ceremony time! It's my favorite part of every episode ever! Two dudes are getting eliminated here, and ... oh yeah, I always forget that to get to the elimination, we have to sit through Jillian babbling about what a great time she's having. Then she says she has some more questions, and asks to borrow Michael, who leaps at the opportunity. Jake looks over at Tanner, who shakes his head all "Search me, dude," and the guys all gather to powwow.

Outside, Jillian says she thought this would be a "walk in the park," and she's a little freaked out about falling for a 25-year-old, which is exactly what the remaining douchebags are speculating about. And this: "All right, who's got the girlfriend?" says Reid, half-jokingly. The guys look at Wes, who's all, "What are you looking at me for?" But there's no time for this, because here's Jillian back again, so the guys snap back into line.

Jesse gets the first rose. Twenty bucks says she leaves Michael in the last group of three. You know, for DRAMA. Wes. Oh, dear. When nice people make dumb decisions! Jake looks pained. And the last rose goes to... wait for it ... wait FIVE HOURS FOR IT ... Michael. Jake shakes his head. Tanner looks like he wants to kill someone. Jake hangs his head.

Tanner waves goodbye to the guys, and comes over to her. "I'm sorry," she says, and he simply hugs her and stomps out, and then rants to us, bleeped several times about what a mistake she's making, and how he doesn't understand it, and maybe it's because he doesn't play the bleeping guitar, and obviously she couldn't have been that scared by him if she let him rub her feet.

Jake shakes some hands and then strolls over to Jillian, who whispers that he's an incredible person, and he asks her to tell him what it was, and she says it just didn't feel right, she doesn't know what it was. "I did everything I could do. I absolutely laid down my heart," he says. Then he complains about how many times he's seen this. Fifteen seasons, in fact! Then he runs down the guys who are a left: "a dangerous guy" (camera shows Wes), " a flimsy guy" (camera shows Reid), "somebody really young" (camera shows Michael). He also tells us that he knows Wes a lot better than Jillian does, and she's going to get hurt. "Nice guys finish last," he says. Or, in this case, tied for sixth. And Jillian's toasting with the other guys, something about getting the hell out of the country. I'll drink to that!

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