Bachelorette
Trista & Ryan's Wedding, Part 2

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Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
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Lamb, Meet Slaughter

Bob poses Question #1, which is, "Trista, what is Ryan's most annoying habit?" They both guess correctly that it's "hanging up the towels." They kiss, and I could join in the celebration that these two soulmates know each other as well as they do, or I could finally get on the side of the attending party and try to strike Bob dead with my mind. The next question is about how many kids they're planning on having. Trista says two. Ryan hedges "two or three." Like it would be another number besides those, as if Trista would write, "My Mormon beliefs mean I would like as many kids as the Good Lord intends for me to have" or Ryan would write, "I would like eleven kids, one for each of the Colonel's herbs and spices, because garsh dang it if I don't love me some chicken." Next: "What city were you both in the first time that you had sex?" The tittering crowd is delightfully shocked by the ribald, non-whoopee-esque direction this game has taken. Where is this game taking place, anyway? I wasn't aware that Le Meredien was a Victorian drawing room that exists in The Past. Everyone calm down. Trista whispers, "I don't want to give that up," and one of the guys who I think is soon going to emerge as That Jerk Ben calls out, "You gave it up already!" Now see, that is a very funny line. Bob feels the need to piggyback on the laugh, literally hollering, "Is it me, or is it very hot in here?" It's you, you greasy freak. And not that I'm an enemy of the adverb to any extent, but you really needed to lose the "very" on that sentence. And you needed not to make a joke about how hot is was in there. When, considering the context of the event, "Take my wife, please" would actually have made a better quip than the one you made, it looks like you lost your emcee privileges. And, scarily enough, it actually would have. Ryan, protecting his wife-to-be's honor, holds up a card reading, "We haven't." Everyone is very filled with rejoicing at this answer, but I can't hear the television above my screeching Bullshit Detector to know if anything else was actually said. ["Huh? Of course they haven't, Djb: they are not married yet. Sheesh!" -- Wing Chun]

I sing the "you've died three times" end music from the videogame Jumpman as I so often do when something terrible finally ends. Bob thanks Trista and Ryan for "proving America right," and Bob tells a certain "Ben" character to clap along with the rest. He's in Ryan's wedding party, and we know this because boys are only friends with boys and girls are only friends with girls. But Ben's not happy, and he tells us that the shower was "stupid." He sits sullenly. He gives the finger to the camera. He complains that Bob shouldn't have been left to "run the show," saying that someone who was actually a good friend of Ryan's should have been able to do it. Gee, I wonder if he had anyone in particular in mind. Ryan, on the other hand, was glad for the presence of Bob. Which means that Ben difficult as he is, actually has a lot in common with us. He's a better story than what's usually going on around him and he knows it. And he really, really, really hates Bob.

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