Bachelorette
Trista & Ryan's Wedding, Part 2

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Lamb, Meet Slaughter

Chris predicts that, on a scale of 1 to 10, the bachelor party is going to rank "a twenty." At least he didn't suggest that they crank it up to eleven. Not that this sucks that much less. Anyway, we've moved to some sort of outdoor deck area, which finds Ryan and his friends doing a lot of drinking and cheering. Some dude named Sadler presents Ryan with a "ball and chain," consisting of a bowling ball painted pink emblazoned with the word "Trista" and connected to a bicycle chain. Some other dude gives Ryan a pair of underwear, which...well, fruity, wouldn't you say?

Ben continues to be a dick. "The thing about Ben," Ryan fills in, "is that he sort of has this sarcastic, witty sense of humor, and the more he drinks the more it comes out." They have a word for that where I come from, Ryan. And it's "mean drunk." When Ben stops slurring his own name long enough to start spouting off like Noel Coward I'll amend my thoughts on this, but until then we're going to strike "witty" from the list of things that the devil's poison has made Ben become.

Ryan's father stumbles through a speech about the love and devotion that comes of having children or some such insane thing, and everyone toasts him in a respectable, paternal way, except Bob, who you can juuuuuuuuust make out shouting, "Thank you, Mr. Sutter! Godspeed!" in the background because SHUT UP.

And, onto the partying, sexed-up bacchanal that is the bachelorette party. In the world's most elaborate tiki bar, a dude juggles fire and the soundtrack plays the steel-drum solo from the middle six minutes of "Just the Two of Us." More speeches and more loving as Sara demands that everyone have a good time tonight. They present her with a tiara with a long veil coming off of it, and they all giggle girlishly. A friend named Stephanie presents Trista with a game called "Sexual Chocolate." Shannon makes a speech to the effect that she met Trista when "she was trying to steal [Stephanie's] boyfriend from [her]." Trista retorts, "No!" Or some such equally clever rejoinder. The first person to tell me correctly what the hell Shannon is doing there gets a free T-Mobile phone.

And, strippers. Two latex-clad chicas enter the dudes' party, and Ryan identifies them as "the first wave of strippers," like they're the kamikaze front-line offensive in The Titty Wars. They dance and grind and we get a review from mightybigtitty.com (because, under the circumstances, there's no way we could call it "televisionwithouttitty") recapper "Lucas," who positively remembers his experiences with "the blonde one," who "can entertain." Check your forums, Lucas. They're out of control.

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Bachelorette

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