Bachelorette
You're All I Overthink About

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The Biorhythm Method

I literally told everyone I knew that I wanted that Trivial Pursuit 20th Anniversary Edition for my birthday. And how many did I get? That's right. But hey, mom? Thanks for the socks.

The three men stand downstairs, as Chris brings in the All of Me plate and puts it on the little stand. He tells the guys, "It's fair to say that all three of you have deep feelings for Trista." He clarifies the rules that someone is going to "say goodbye tonight." Trista descends the stairs, and speeches, "I really hope that you understand that I've been in your shoes and I've stood where you stand." She can't wait to shake that dead weight loose.

Ryan, will you accept this rose? Ryan Rose? Who's that?

Charlie, will you accept this rose? Charlie? Rose? Why does that sound familiar for some strange reason?

Chris walks over and bids Russ to "say goodbye," as Trista voices over, "I think that Russ has a lot of the qualities that I look for in a husband. And the fact that we had such great chemistry the first night shows me that we could have spark for a long time to come." But she doesn't think they can "communicate." Outside the house together, Russ and Trista sit, Russ telling her, "Like, I pretty much knew this was going to happen." Guh? You did? Twisted that around in a hurry, didn't you? You can practically see Germany sitting at home, taking notes on how to spin effective revisionist history. Trista responds, "I think that we're a lot alike." She knows they shared a "pretty strong connection," promising, "you're an outstanding guy." Who will never, ever, ever get a date again. Russ goes right on the defensive, telling her, "I think I probably pressed you on all the things that you probably didn't get pressed on with the other two guys." You mean "the winners"? You mean them? Stop thinking you're the best guy before her because you posed the most rewarding "challenge." I know it's television, and I know it's a game show, but it's not Double Dare and there's no big slide covered with jam and fake papier-mâché snot and a clock counting down from thirty seconds. But damn, could you imagine how much more engaging an episode this would be if there had been?

In the limo out of G'u'y's' H'o'u's'e', Russ ties on the crazy eyes and tells us, "I came here for her. I came here to explore a relationship with her, and I told her that right away." He finds it "amazing" that she couldn't "put her guard down," blaming her for an inability to deal with "what was happening between them." He closes, "I'll be in this as long as I want to be in it, and I think that happened. Whether it was my choice or not." Double on the "not" part. Dare. Double dare. Physical challenge. Sayonara, Satan. I hope you kept the Tiffany receipt.

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Bachelorette

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