Bachelorette
You're All I Overthink About

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The Biorhythm Method

The next thing he does that I hate is to use her name -- "You obviously don't know me, Trista" -- as a means of fostering intimacy or familiarity between them. The next thing he does that I hate is to tell her, "I'm the most genuine, caring person," because clearly the best way to prove to someone that you are genuine and caring is to explicitly state it. As if his merely saying, "I do not have greasy, combination skin" will deter the team of Bush administration officials from abandoning their efforts in the Arctic to instead investigate new sources of oil by drilling on the seemingly plentiful reserves of Russ's face. Just saying it does not make it so. Most pathetically, Russ keeps on: "I still think that you and I should be together." Well then, maybe he should get together with the card in Trista's purse, because it's only entity within a thousand miles optimistic enough to think this is a good idea: "Hello, Trista and Russ. Hope you're enjoying your stay in Sedona. If you decide to forgo your individual rooms, you can use this key to stay as a couple in our Fantasy Suite." Russ tells her that there's "no doubt" that he doesn't want this to end, and we cut to the two of them walking reeeeeally quickly to the suite, Trista walking in first and commenting, "It's like a little house!" A little house...of lies?

And a cut to later, Trista lying in bed fully clothed, Russ taking her rigid arm and commenting, "This is what I wanted most, which was to kick it with you like this and relax, and just hang out." Trista looks away: "So we're doing it." Awkward awkward awkward. I secretly kind of love it. In a interview, Trista is wearing her Smart Glasses, noting that if this is the beginning of the relationship, she can't imagine "what kind of blowout, knock-down fights" they have in store. But he's a caring person! And genuine about it! Or were you not listening? Back in the suite, Trista tells him that she's "not ready" for this, and as they hug like estranged siblings, Trista asks, "Are you mad?" He isn't. Until he watched tonight's episode. As if he has the slightest bit of autonomy in any of this, Russ notes in a final interview, "I don't know what will happen at the next Rose Ceremony. I don't know what'll happen. If she offers one or if I choose to accept one in the event that she does. I don't know what will happen." Well, stay tuned. For the Most! Shocking! Rose! Ceremony! This! Week!

They'll get there fast and then they'll take it slow as we cut abruptly to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Now we're on vacation, people. Up walks Charlie in a black tank top and...are those jams? The year is 1987 and the Ocean is Pacific. Trista tells us how excited she was to see him, that he "looked great, he always does." She describes further butterflies, and we cut to a interview in which...oh, no! Sideshow Bob has snuck into Mexico to kill Bart and take Trista for his own. ["At least now we know why he wears so damn much gel all the time." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Sideshow Charlie tells us, "It was definitely good to see her." In their cabana now, Trista and Charlie have a heart-to-heart lie about his family having "such a good time" meeting her, and he thought it was "amazing" how well she fit in, basing his opinions on "some of the comments that they made." Was it "type-A" or "high-maintenance" that did it? Trista tells us that they -- no, really -- "connect on a conversational level, and I really like that about him." Like it's never dawned on her before that that might be important. Charlie apologizes for the "cliché question," asking Trista what she looks for in a guy. She turns it around on him, asking how Charlie sees each of the guys as being different. Charlie takes this opportunity to malign the kicked-while-he's-down Russ, noting, "I don't think Russ is a bad person by any means," but he doubts that his sincerity is...well, "100% sincere." Trista worries in a interview that "thinking about me with other guys on other dates is kind of getting [Charlie] overthinking things." I think we've plumbed the depths of Charlie's intellect, and I can pretty much respond in no uncertain terms that "overthinking" isn't too deep in his liabilities column. Similarly, Charlie and Trista walk on the beach holding hands, Charlie stating, "I always wonder what's going on in that head of yours." I've always envisioned it something like gerbils on wheels, running, running, running forever, while some quiet yet pervasive circus sideshow music plays somewhere. But that's just me. Anyway, beach-y smooching.

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