Bachelorette
You're All I Overthink About

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The Biorhythm Method

Finally safe, back in the confines of G'u'y's' H'o'u's'e' (a possessive apostrophe in every pot!), we begin upstairs in The Room Of Reckoning. Trista and Chris "Love, Love Me Don't" Harrison assume the position (ew, not like that), Chris noting immediately, "I can't tell you how much it seems like you've changed in a week. It's very noticeable." Translation: Someone got laid. Twice, maybe! He adds that Trista looks like "a girl in love," and Trista admits that she is, "with probably more than one person." She was "always very skeptical" of people who said that because of how it makes you a whore or a citizen of Utah, but now she's kind of convinced. Chris reminds her of a "candid talk" they had before the show began, in which she apparently said, "You know what? If I want to sleep with these guys and that's what I truly feel, that's what I'm gonna do." Male paraphrasing is so brilliant. I'm sure what she really said was, "If I feel a connection with one of the guys and I want to foster that connection in an intimate way and see if the connection I felt remained the same as the relationship went forward, y'know, so be it." But Chris's cut-to-the-chase, "Me, I'm just in this to get boned" is secretly refreshing at this late date. Trista tells him that "nothing has changed" in that regard and that she needs to be true "to the process," figuring out "how intimate you can be with somebody" (see what I mean?). And so, Chris takes his leave once more, telling her, "You have a tough job tonight. Two roses, three guys." It is not a tough job. Stop insulting our collective viewing intelligence. Meanwhile, private video messages! Rhymin' rhymes again! And this time I promise to stick it out and recap the whole thing, as I am contractually obligated to do:

This won't take long, but I've got a quick tale
It's about a boy and a girl and a killer whale
It started one night with dinner by the sea
There was you, there was me, and Shamu made three

Nope. Can't. I know he's being "funny" and all that, but it's enough with the "Gotta Get a Gimmick" shtick already. Trista? Loves it. She LOVES it! He won't win.

Russ thanks Trista for the experience in Sedona. Their "fast start" (squicky date rape) has led to some "intense conversations" (hate-filled polemics), which he ultimately thinks will help them "in the future." Trista doesn't even crack a conciliatory smile.

Charlie calls Trista "sweetheart" (that's "Sweetheart Rose" to you, buddy) from the beach in Mexico, reading badly off cue cards, "The feeling that I felt when I woke up that next morning was indescribable." No, no. We were there. We would describe it as "crippling boredom." But here's a hint: the 'e' in boredom is silent! It's an elephant word!

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Bachelorette

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