Doin' it well
More lame footage of lamer bands flashes by, and we're at the SOULCRACKER segment. Hold on, let me get the bottle. It's summer, and I'm switching from whiskey to vodka and tonic. Okay? I'll switch back in the fall. An off-camera voice asks the assembled SUCKCRAPPER how they got together, and like idiots, they grin and smile and look at each other until Sutton says, "In college." Is they where they got the bong from, too? In the "call-back interview," they all say their names and what they play. Zzzz. Oh, I'm sorry, were they still talking? There's a shot of this HILARIOUS "Miller Light Presents!" band poster with "Soulcracker!" written in some zippy font straight from the title credits of the movie Zapped!, with Bob, Beastie, Apey, and Sutton all posing for the camera in a very Spice Girl way. First of all, Ramsey? Thank your lucky stars you aren't on this poster. You will make it out alive. And the rest of you guys? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! A.P. has the best pose! It's very Scary Spice. He's clutching his fist at the camera, and he's doing a total tae bo forward kick! Sutton is tugging his ear just like Carol Burnett used to do, Bob looks like a doofus, and Beastie has folded his arms across his chest and is frowning at the camera like he's about to ask it for some ID. He autograph is a "B" in a circle, it looks like. These guys practice their autographs. Sutton's signature says, "I am a queer bait!" HA HA! Oh, man. I hate those guys. Right off the bat, they start dropping numbers. Someone prattles on that they lived off the band for awhile, and in 1998 they played 226 shows, and grossed over $120,000 and lived on that. Uh, guys? $120k split four ways? Is only $25,000 a year. Not. Luxury. Remember Rebecca with her dreams of a house and travel and friendship? That's a better dream than your reality. Why'd you go to college, again? Someone else says that "in order to do that, you have to be on the road constantly." Wow, really? To play 226 shows a year, you have to go on the road? You mean, you can't play one club in one town 226 times? Okay! Now I see how it is! I get it now! These guys are Simp. Le. Sutton says they opened up for Fishbone a few times (and how'd they get that gig?), and "you don't get paid for that, maybe a couple hundred bucks..." Sutton? That is getting paid. What college did these guys go to, Huffing U? Go, Canisters! Fight fight huff!