Battlestar Galactica

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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What Kind Of Father

Ishay's like, "This little boy could die. His father should know!" Which is nicely ambivalent, but Cottle knows Galen's a smart guy, and tells her to STFU, but too late. Galen gets very worried, and Cottle's like, "Cancel my appointments and schedule your own whipping, Jamie Bamber's Wife. Now I gotta deal with this." He drags Galen away and -- after some preliminary foreshadowing -- delivers a hilariously hamfisted bolus of retcon exposition. I am all for fixing up the whole Nicky issue, because it's always been a nitpicker's filthy dream, but I thought the solution would have a lot more finesse. Frankly, I thought the kid was dead meat, but this is much better. The words are just so hilarious, because Cottle's always been sort of darkly phoning it in, so this dialogue that would be difficult at best just comes slamming out of his grimace in the most appalling, awesome set of first-draft sentences in the whole episode, answering every nerdy nitpicky question before it can be asked like he's giving a talk at the Paley about "The Nicky Deal: Once & For All." Next audition, I dare you to do this monologue:

"All right. This is gonna be a shock. But I want you to know that I was bound by doctor-patient confidentiality in this. Even though she's dead now, it still applied. I'm sorry, she found out she was pregnant just before you got married. She wasn't sure that you were the father. She wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. The procedure is illegal but there are ways around it. However, she decided to keep it. Then later on, she asked me to do a paternity test because she wanted to know... [Biological father] doesn't know either. And I'll be damned if he's gonna find out that he's a father from a pissed-off former deck chief with a Cylon chip on his shoulder. No, I'll have to tell him. I'll tell him, and then the two of you can work it out on your own. [Galen runs off to freak out about how bad his wife sucks even from beyond the grave; Cottle lights his fifth cigarette of this paragraph] ...Great."

Whom might it be? Obviously the best would be another Cylon, but that's not possible. As likely as it is, anybody from Pegasus would just leave a nasty taste in your mouth that even Cally doesn't deserve. So in the Fleet, I actually would have said Hotdog, because he is as dumb and pretty as she is, and because he gets STDs constantly and likes to watch people masturbate, making him the only pilot outside the main cast besides Racetrack to have any kind of sex life at all. Plus, he is nice to look at, and has never had a real storyline ever. Mostly, though, because he is very dumb, and that is very funny. If Saul and Caprica's baby is the most Cylon thing that ever existed, Nicky is the most human. A Hotdog/Cally baby would be, like, mystical amounts of stupid. The Shape Of Things To Dumb.

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Battlestar Galactica

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