Battlestar Galactica
Battlestar Galactica, Part I

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 10 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Disco Inferno

We come back to see Colonel McCain lying on his bed and using a cigar to burn a hole in a picture of his ex-wife. Contrary to forum opinion, the woman in the photo is not Number Six, but she does sort of look like her, so I can understand the mistake. Suddenly, alarms and klaxons and sirens and other things that make loud screechy noises start blaring, and we cut around to see everyone on the ship racing to their stations. Adama finally makes it down to the bridge, where he's joined by Colonel McCain. McCain thinks it's all some sort of retirement prank that headquarters is playing on them, but Commodore 64 insists it's the real deal. Adama gets on the loudspeaker, and finally gets to deliver the big hero speech that's probably the only thing that sold Olmos on the original script. Well, that and the promise of an actual paycheck, I suppose. He informs the crew about the massive assault on Caprica and the other colonies. "How, why, don't really matter right now," he pontificates. "What does matter is that I get my contractually-obligated glamour shot, which is why I'm going to stare right into Camera One and say, 'As of this moment, we. Are. At. War!'" But then he can't resist going a little porno on our asses, and he concludes the big speech by saying, "Stand to your duties, and trust your fellow shipmates, and we'll all get through this." Yeah. What kind of movie is this again?

Down in the hangar, Master Chief Lovewrench rallies his own troops. "We're the best," he shouts, "so let's get the old girl ready to roll and kick some Cylon ass. And then we'll kick them in the gimbals, too, just for good measure." Back on the bridge, Adama orders Colonel McCain to go find some ammunition, because they don't actually have any on board at the moment. He also wants a position check on all the fighters from the fly-by, and he further orders that Starbuck be released from the brig.

It turns out the fighters in question are "two hours from Caprica," if the MS X-Files font is to be believed. They've also picked up incoming Cylons. Boomer is panicking, because she flies a scout ship instead of a Viper, and Sergeant Sacrificial Stan has to calm her down as he tracks the five inbound fighters. Meanwhile, on Galactica, Starbuck has reported to the bridge, where Adama takes time out of his busy war-fighting and accolade-accepting schedule to tell her that over thirty Battlestars have already been destroyed. He also needs more fighters and pilots to defend Galactica, but Starbuck says that even though they've got plenty of pilots, there aren't any fighters left on board for them to fly. Adama points out that there's an entire wing of old Vipers on display in the museum, and Starbuck immediately runs off to get them out of mothballs.

Cut to Master Chief Lovewrench, joining Starbuck in the museum. He can get the fighters flying, but there's just one problem: The landing bay has been converted into a gift shop. Oops. The solution? They're going to push the Vipers over to the port-side bay. Damn. That can't be fun, especially when you consider that Vipers have pads instead of wheels.

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Battlestar Galactica

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