Battlestar Galactica
Battlestar Galactica, Part I

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 10 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Disco Inferno

The First Law of Science Fiction: If you give something a brain, it will kill you. (See: The Matrix, Blade Runner, 2001, Frankenstein, Terminator.)

Well, hey. At least they kept the font, right?

Fade up on a surprisingly cool shot of the Galactica, seen through a massive crater that's been gouged out of a nearby moon. We zoom through the crater, along the Battlestar's hull, through the landing pods, and down into a port-side corridor, where our second major historical revision of the evening is going for her morning jog. Yes, that's right. I said "her." Starbuck is a chick now. Deal with it. And personally, I couldn't care less that they made her a girl. I do, however, care that they made her pointless, whiny, and petulant, although we'll talk more about that later. For now, you can just assume that someone cloned Alec Newman from the first Dune mini-series and gave him breasts. Nice ones, too. We follow Starbuck as she makes her way through the corridors, passing through a crowd of journalists being shepherded through the ship by a PR flack who couldn't possibly be named anything except The Poor Man's Kevin Spacey. PMKS gracefully accepts the hand-off of Starbuck's exposition baton, and then strikes out on his own leg of the 4x400 plot point relay. He doesn't get very far, however, because Edward James Olmos pompousifies his way into the corridor, snagging the baton and getting his ass kissed by everyone who passes. The ass-kissing, by the way, will be a running theme for this entire mini-series. Olmos is playing Commander Adama, of course, and I'm sorry to report that the years have not been kind to Lieutenant Castillo. Or perhaps they've been too kind. Do they actually make military uniforms with a 42-inch waist?

Adama eventually bumps into Starbuck, because Galactica only has about fifty feet of corridor in the entire ship, and it all twists and loops back on itself like the world's largest styrofoam and balsa wood Mobius strip. Starbuck engages in a bit of gentle ass-kissing herself, just so we know that these two have some sort of prior friendly relationship. Then they exchange the following lines of dialogue, which I'm transcribing here only because they'll be relevant later, despite being utterly nonsensical:

Adama: What do you hear?
Starbuck: Nothing but the rain.
Adama: Then grab your gun and bring in the cat.

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Battlestar Galactica

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