Battlestar Galactica
Battlestar Galactica, Part I

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 11 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Disco Inferno

Starbuck: Boom boom boom!
A significant portion of this show's targeted demographic: Let's go back to my room.

Starbuck resumes her morning run at this point, passing the exposition baton off to a crew of low-rate mechanics, whom I'll be calling Corporal Dirty Girl, Private First Class Soon To Be Dead Guy, and Chief Petty Officer Token Hispanic. They themselves bump into Adama, and then frantically scramble to hide the giant gift-wrapped package they're carrying. They also fake swear, and while I'm given to understand that "frak" is a leftover from the original series, I still have to wonder if it was a wee bit too close to "frell" to suit the Sci-Fi suits. Because he's eminently kind and wise, and obviously used to junior subordinates falling all over themselves in an attempt to offer him a galactic rim-job, Adama merely smiles and admonishes the kids to "be careful out there." Whoops. Somebody needs to tell Olmos that he's quoting the wrong '80s cop show.

By the way, did I mention that this has all (theoretically) been one long take so far? Because it has been. And it will be for the next three paragraphs or so, as well.

After his encounter with the mechanics, Adama finds his way to the bridge, where he's met by a young officer named "Lieutenant Gaeta." That's totally not going to stop me from calling him Commodore 64 for the rest of the recap, however, because he spends most of his time on this show punching buttons on outdated computers and saying things like "10 Print 'Good Morning, Captain.' 20 Goto 10." Commodore 64 gratefully accepts the exposition baton, but stumbles a bit coming out of the blocks when he's forced to repeat the news that they've lost communication with the armistice station that we already saw getting blown up in the teaser. Then he puckers up and tells Adama that it's been a pleasure to gosub with him for all these years before heading off to an exit on the far side of the bridge. And I just know there's a peek/poke joke in there somewhere, but it's been way to long since I coded in Basic for me find it.

Upon exiting the bridge, Commodore 64 discovers the ship's XO (also known as Colonel McCain), hunched over and leaning against a bulkhead for support. He gives a worried salute, and Col. McCain rallies enough to return it and stagger down the corridor in the opposite direction. He bobs and weaves a bit, but does manage to pass the exposition baton off to Poor Man's Kevin Spacey, who eagerly sets off on the relay's anchor leg. "You'll see things here that look odd, or even antiquated to modern eyes," he tells his flock of reporters. "Like phones with cords, awkward manual valves, and computers that, well, barely deserve the name." "Hey! I heard that," shouts Commodore 64, from somewhere in the undefined n-space that connects the Mobius corridors. PMKS goes on to explain that the Cylons can hack all modern computers, so mankind was actually forced to look backwards to find technology to fight them with. Aww. I always knew my Apple IIe would save the world someday.

The lengthy tracking shot finally comes to a close, and after a brief pause so that all of our racers can piss into a cup for steroid testing, we cut to the Galactica's hangar bay, where Adama has arrived to accept the adulation of the entire deck crew. I guess he just got tired of everyone sucking up to him individually in all those face-to-face encounters. Presumably because it's somewhat difficult to kiss ass when you're face-to-face, but that's a different story. The senior mechanic, known to friends and subordinates alike as Master Chief Brownnose, gets all of his people lined up at attention, and then presents Adama with his going-away present: The original Mark Two Viper that Adama flew back in his pilot days. This would probably be a good time for me to inform the readers who didn't actually watch that the Galactica is scheduled for decommissioning later today (she's being turned into a museum), and one can only assume that Adama himself is being shipped off to wherever old pockmarked warhorses go when they've outlived their usefulness. In this case, of course, that turns out to be a pilot on the Sci-Fi network. Master Chief Brownnose brags that the Viper has been lovingly restored, and is even flight-capable. Adama is impressed with this gesture in much the same way that a cat owner would be if their pet brought them back a particular juicy dead mouse, and then the Master Chief decides to top things off by presenting his commanding officer with the big gift-wrapped package we saw earlier. The contents turn out to be a photo of Adama standing in front of his Viper with his two little boys. Solely because it will be important later, I'll just note now that the picture frame is octagonal. I'll also note that Young Edward James Olmos was a little creepy-looking.

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Battlestar Galactica

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